Christmas Eve, 2010

It was really magical.

I know I'm not a Santa-y superstar, I think that the magical aspects were more related to everyone being healthy and the simple joy we all got from being with family. Hot off of the heels of Grandma and Grandpa's visit, the excitement of Christmas Eve, and our concurrent return to health kicked in.

I already don't remember how we spent the morning. I know that we put the kids down early so that we could wake them in time to get to Church with everyone at 4. We made it. It was lovely. After that, we went directly to Becca and Rich's house where we were treated to an incredible meal of holiday soup and homemade pizza. Great joy was experienced.

My sister, who I adore, made the kids the most beautiful and creatively handpainted 'big day' plated that I have ever seen (in addition to their other gifts). We cherish them. Nothing screams "I love you" like something handmade for you. Bec and Rich, we love you.

They carefully selected their favorite cookies for Santa and we put them by the fireplace. Julia and Luke tossed their Reindeer Dust (courtesy of Jules preschool class) onto the lawn. We read "The Polar Express" (I cried....I'm totally that Mom who is the most sentimental un Santa-y Mom.....something about the idea of hearing that sleigh bell ringing just killed me). My sweet little kids went to bed.

Nate and I had so much fun bringing their presents out, stuffing their stockings, and generally just giggling like kids. We opened our gifts to one another. I got teary again. What luck! I love my husband, and feel so glad that he is my kids big baby daddy. We went to bed with the camera by our bedside......waiting to see what the morning would hold.

Would they remember? That was our big question. Would they wake up and remember that it was Christmas?

I confess that it was me who had a hard time getting to sleep in my excitement for the morning.

Christmas began

Christmas began on Thursday afternoon when Grandma and Grandpa arrived laden with gifts for the kids. They woke up from their naps to find that not only had their much loved Grandparents arrived, but they arrived carrying the first gust of Christmas in their wings!

Luke and Jules and Jake loved both their gifts, and their time spent with Grandma and Grandpa. We feel so blessed to have such wonderful Grandparents!

This is all coming in installments as Nate may divorce me for my love of my new Kindle, and my obsession with the series of books that I simply cannot put down.

Grandma and Grandpa, we love you so much and are so lucky to have you in our lives!

With apology for my last mopey post.........

Jake has HAIR!

I mean.....I know that it isn't all that much hair......in fact, the fact that I have to take a special picture of it in certain lights to "prove" that he has hair pretty much means that he is bald and I am weird. However, as a Mom to two other kids who were stone cold glare head Q ball eagle at 6 months old, he seems positively hirsute!

I also tried to get a good pic of his eyes. In all of the pictures from far away they look really blue......but I don't think that they are going to be. He has that same ring of gold in the center of his eyes that Luke has, and I am officially predicting that he will end up a goldeny green eyed boy.

Confessions of a Jerk Mom

Luke, being painfully awkward.

My weirded out little deer.

The jerk mom, with tears in her eyes, as Luke brought me his carefully hand wrapped and hand made Christmas present.

Julia, sick, tired, and miserable because of her jerk Mom.

Jerk Mom helping Jules to stand with the rest of her class.

This post is being guest written by the resident Jerk Mom. The generally tries to be caring, thoughtful, energetic and mostly forward thinking Mom has, apparently, left the premises.

Tuesday was the kids preschool Christmas program. They were sick. I mean, not contagious, but not well. (I'm editing upon rereading this to say that they probably WERE contagious. Who knows? Not me. Saying that they were not contagious was a way for me to feel like less of a jerk, but it just isn't necessarily true. I apologize. I probably got other kids sick and ruined their Christmas. Gah) I ignored all wisdom. I ignored their needs. I thought about how much I wanted to see their first ever Christmas program. I thought about how I wanted to see them sing the songs that they run around the house singing 24/7. I thought about how I wanted to see their classmates, and fellow parents, and basically about everything other than the good old fashioned "what will be best for my kids?" bit.

And, I suffered, and ~ worst ~ THEY suffered. I never should have brought them. We should have stayed safely home. We should have stayed in our pajamas, in our house, with our germs, and with our sick, fragile emotional states. Instead I dressed them up, carted them off, made Jake and Jules sit through Luke's program, then made Luke and Jake sit through Julia's program. Both kids did not prance and dance, do silly hand motions, and sing. Luke stood in the very front row, and the second that the paparazzi like hoard of parents started in with the cameras and video taping and whatnot, my never shy boy looked as though he was standing naked in front of a firing squad. I have never seen my son look so.....just so......awkward. It was half hilarious, and half terribly sad. He did not sing. He did give one or two terribly unenthusiastic jingles with his bell, and hit some sticks together half heartedly, but he did not sing. He was so cute and awkward that it just about broke my heart. He was not himself.

The kids rallied for the "snack" of cookies, and Luke's teachers graciously invited Julia to sit at the table with her brother and his classmates. They held hands and were generally precious. It was a brief moment of lovely in the miasma of my bad decisions.

Then, we gathered up our 3000 coats and bags and whatnot and dragged our sorry ass sweaty hot and now sugar laden ensemble down the hall to Julia's class. *Enter meltdown*. My Jules, my brave, composed, confident girl, dissolved into a puddle. Giant, round, fat, selfish-jerk-mom created tears coursed down her pink cheeks. She was completely, and totally out of whack. I sat next to her as the preschool jerk mom guest star in her Christmas program. I was just about the same height as the kids, so I didn't stand out too much. To her credit, she did rally. Her poor, sick little self tried so hard to overcome the fact that her jerk mom forced her into a situation that she simply was not equipped to handle in her ill state. I was proud of her, and she did sing the very last song, for which I give her resilient little spirit much credit. I was ashamed of myself.

I admit to being stir crazy. With Jake cutting his first tooth he barely napped all week. He was up at night. Luke and Julia were up several times a night, crying. For the past 5 nights Nate and I did some bizarre dance of nighttime comforting/bed swapping/waking up in the morning with various kids in various rooms. Jake nursed CONSTANTLY. I was sick (twice), first with that stomach thing and then with the virus/mess of a throat thing that the kids have. I have cleaned the same messes 4000 times and vacuumed the house twice a day, yet it is still messy. I am a raging ass. I made a bad decision, selfishly. I wanted to get us out of the house, and I did it against all common wisdom, and we all suffered as a result.

I got in the car post Christmas program massacre, and cried the whole way home.

The kids have not left the house since (that was Tuesday AM). They are finally really on the road to health, but I admit that my sanity is wavering. I am short tempered, and my empathy well is running bone dry. All of the wonderful Christmas joy that I had feels positively wrung out. I feel frustrated, and incompetent, and like a jerk Mom.

I looked at our stockings and our tree and tried to remember that in two days Christmas is going to be all over, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that this week has just been total crap. Because I have been feeling so lousy physically, I have totally lacked creativity. Instead of using our time in the house to create art projects or bake cookies or do anything joyous, I have pretty much just stood around with a wild dazed look in my eyes thinking about all of the ways that I am failing at everything. When the kids and I are sick at the very same time, everything feels impossible. Just impossible.

I know that "this too shall pass". I know that they won't be forever scarred. I might be, but they won't be. I know that in my soul. But man, in these moments where my nerves are raw and my patience is gone and I find myself NOT being a nurturing mother (but instead some sort of fishwife jerkface who yells) I feel terribly low. I feel like I need to offer up a giant apology to my children, to my husband, to my laundry and floors and to the people who I wish I was out bringing homemade cookies to. I feel like I want to apologize to the universe in general.

This job is really hard. On normal days, I feel pretty together. I can generally hold my head high and say that I do my best. This week, not so much, This week, my best was pretty craptastic, frankly.

Weekend before Christmas.

Julia and Elizabeth decorating their cookies (and a few accidentally end up in their mouths)

Aunt Millie and Julia as we talk about the Julia (Mom Mom) who is not with us for the first time this Christmas.

Samantha and Julia sample the desserts.

Aunt Becca gives Jake some love the afternoon of the 7 fish dinner.

Great, great food.

Synopsis:

Friday: Cookie decorating party at our house with friends. A great, sugar laden time. I will still be finding sprinkles around my house come Easter. Julia officially has her first crush on Ryan, and watching her flirt with him terrified me. Are 2 year olds supposed to be boy crazy? Argh.

Luke wakes up from nap with a high fever. He is crying that his mouth hurts. As it is Friday afternoon and we have a huge weekend ahead of us I take him to Dr. Dr says throat looks fine and it is not strep. He takes a culture anyway as I tell him Luke isn't one to make things up. We go home.

Friday night: great date with my Dad and sister at The Blue Pear.

Saturday Morning: Dr. calls. Luke positive for Strep. Abx. Frantic search for a babysitter as we had my extended families Christmas get together that night. Thankfully Brooke came thorough. Luke stays home with her. We enjoy celebrating with family. Julia sees her first entire cooked pig (with head). Jake sleeps through 90% of the party in the pack and play.

Sunday AM: Luke much better. Clean, run errands, get it together for our 7 fish dinner, which we are hosting that night. Watch an unbelievable Eagles game. Watch ourselves on TV. Watch the Jets win. Have a fantastic feast. Enjoy watching the cousins exchange presents. Laugh a lot. I started feeling "off" around dessert.

Sunday PM: Julia gets a fever at bedtime. She is crying and sad. We comfort her. At 10, Luke wakes up with a fever again and coughing to the point that he vomits, more than once (on his bed, on Nate, etc etc). Clean up. Comfort him. Fall asleep. He is up again at 1 crying. I go help him. Julia is up crying. We go help her. Luke, again (they tag team teh sick). Lay down in his bed, and immediately know that I am about to have a Horrible Experience. Run to bathroom. Have Horrible Experience (the vomit sort). I hate being sick. I wimper. I want my Mommy. Repeat at 2am. Can't sleep. Sit on couch feeling ill and sorry for myself from 2-4. Jake up to nurse at 4:30. Bring him in my bed. He bites me. Why? Because sometime when I wasn't looking he got his first tooth. Bottom left. Wake up in same boat. Pain.

I am supposed to be out finishing up my Christmas shopping as Brooke is here watching the kids. Instead I am up in my room laying in bed and worrying about how this is going to set me behind for last minute gifts while she watches the kids and I contemplate running away once I feel better.

Grrrrrrr.

It was a fantastic weekend but we have the sick around here. We need it to go away, ASAP.

Lessons learned: I did a good job of keeping gifts simple. I did a bad job of keeping obligations simple.

*Note to next year's self: STOP IT! DON'T PLAN TOO MANY THINGS THE WEEK BEFORE CHRISTMAS! 5 or 10 CHRISTMAS PARTIES ARE ENOUGH, YOU DON'T NEED TO DRAG THE KIDS TO 15 or 20 "FUN" CHRISTMAS EVENTS! THE WHOLE WORLD IS SICK AND YOU WILL BE TOO, AND YOUR KIDS WILL BE TOO, AND NO ONE WILL GET ANY SLEEP, AND THEN YOU WILL BE ANGRY. ANGRY AND CHRISTMAS DON'T MIX! LEARN A LESSON FROM THIS YEAR"S SELF, AND CHILL OUT THE SOCIAL CALENDAR, STUPID.*

Christmas, revisited.

My new cook dinner strategy. I let Jake play with the envelopes that the day's Christmas cards arrive in while the bigs help me. Keeps him busy the entire time I cook.

All three "help" me make a gigantic batch of meatballs and gravy.

Jake slept till 7:45 yesterday and Nate got up with the bigs. When I came downstairs, this is how I found my family.

Luke has a heart to heart with Santa.

Sixteen parents and over 20 kids. Chaos!

I was reading this the other day, and laughing.

It is still so me, yet I love Christmas this year. I love seeing the kids get so excited putting up the tree, I love our family traditions, I love the way they had fun helping pick and wrap and deliver presents to kids who have less than them. I love Christmas, and I was even really excited to pick out their presents (Luke is getting soccer goals/cones and a batcave, and Jules is getting a dollhouse and little dollhouse people). Stockings as well, of course, laden with things like Dino-Eggs and toothpaste and toothbrushes and stickers and silly putty and all of the other delightfully cheap and useful things that inspire fervor and joy in my children.

I still loathe the whole Santa thing (I could write an entire discourse on this, but to save you time and nutshell it I will confine myself to one measly little hastily written paragraph.....).

The other day when we were filming this commercial my friend Brian needed some wrapping paper to wrap up the thing for the fake "opening of gift scene" in front of our tree. I came downstairs with wrapping paper, and Brian got this aghast look on his face and said "This isn't SANTA PAPER, IS IT? IS THIS SANTA PAPER? WE CAN TOTALLY SKIP WRAPPING THIS IF IT IS! IS IT OKAY IF YOUR KIDS SEE THIS????". I was totally confused. Then I remembered that he had three young kids and they must be really into the Santa thing. We aren't. I laughed and said yes, this paper was fine. Then I sat and wrapped presents in front of my kids yesterday using the same paper that their presents will be wrapped in. Why? Because Santa isn't real. And quite frankly, I am not interested in CSI type OMG we have to perpetuate the super duper secret lie of Santa like it is a religion thing. Santa is fake. Giving, and love, and the spiritual aspects of the holiday, whatever your tradition, are real. We really, really try to focus on the giving and love part, and downplay the whole Santa thingy. Santa is cool, I'm no hater, and he is an easily recognizable way to point to the giving and love thing in a culturally appropriate way to our children........but at the end of the day, folks, Santa does not work hard for and procure said presents......we do. I will not lie to my kids about Santa. I will lie to them about plenty of other things when they suit my needs, ("This song is about being kind to your sister", "No! This isn't chocolate pudding, it is Mommy's vitamin" etc)....but I'm just not interested in 3000 levels of ninja stealth lies and Santa paper vs. Mommy paper etc. I'm not interested in my child asking me a question about the reality of life, and lying to them in a manner which does not help to make my or their life better in any way. If my kids ask me point blank if Santa is real I will ask them what they think. If they say that they think that he isn't real, I will agree with them. He isn't. We can talk about the "Spirit" of Santa, and I will give them background on St. Nicholas, and all the rest, but I am not going to lie to my kids about Santa, simply because Santa is but a tiny, tiny piece of the holiday, and one which I simply refuse to anoint as the whole big important part guy of Christmas. He isn't.

So. We play the whole Santa thing pretty loose and low key around here. And I will say (though I try to stay away from being controversial at all in my blog, against every natural impulse that I have towards strong opinions, sometimes I fail.....but that is okay, because it is my blog, after all) that I find the whole "Elf on the Shelf" thing totally weird and strange and counter to how I parent (I don't care how other people parent, and if it works for you, huzzah I'm all for it, for you). I have never threatened to call Santa (he isn't real). I have never threatened my children to behave or else they may not get presents. Why? Because they WILL get presents, of course! And because I don't believe in making threats, overt or subtle, which I am not willing to follow through on (other than to my non verbal kids, like when I tell Jake he better cut this damn tooth or I am going to give him to the Gypsies. I won't, I don't even know any Gypsies, but Jake does not know English yet, and sometimes it makes me feel better to make outrageous statements to his drooly big eyed face when I am feeling frustrated). The verbal kids? I really, really strive for consistency and follow through with them. To me, the Elf on the Shelf is no different than inviting a totally scary sniper tattle tale of a person into the house in order to scare my children into behaving solely for the purpose of receiving gifts. As stated, my kids are generally decent-ish kids who are going to get presents because we love them and like to share things with them, NOT because their behavior was brought into line with a scary all knowing tattle tale sort of dude-who-is-watching-you-from-a-shelf.

Anyway, for some reason that Elf inspires strong feelings in me. Maybe I'm scared of the very idea of someone watching me 24/7 to see if I have been good or not, and I'm projecting it onto this Elf. Don't know. Forgive me.

So! We had a great party last night, our third annual playgroup Christmas party. Santa came! He even handed out wrapped presents to each child (a coloring book). Luke ~ the mayor ~ hopped up on his lap. Jules made me walk over with her, and she stood next to Santa. He asked her what she wanted. She said "A Dollhouse" (we brainwash them subtly into wanting what we got them, of course). Santa handed her her thin, flat wrapped present, which she promptly opened, then cried "MAMA THIS ISN'T A DOLLHOUSE!". Well, duh, kiddo. So I explained that this wasn't really Santa and this wasn't really Christmas and encouraged her to ride this out. She did, and we had a wonderful time with our friends. I cannot believe that it is almost 4 years since I met this wonderful group of women, and I will say that I cannot imagine my life without them, or their sweet children. Meeting random strangers at a nursing mothers group who then turn out to become some of your very best friends over the next 4 years, the addition of many, many more children, and legions of good laughs and tears and memories shared along the road? Now there is some magic that Santa can't hold a candle to.

PS. Jake is getting a whisk this year.

Because I can, that's why.

Well, here it is.

*red face*

A day downtown.

Traditions.

I love nothing more. All of my favorite childhood memories center around holidays and family traditions. Most we now do with our own kids ~ from adopting a family, to Christmas Eve pajamas, to the 7 fish dinner, we do many of the exact same things that we did as children. Today, we started a new one with our kids. We drove downtown to head to the Macy's light show . The kids were totally enthralled by the show ~ Julia danced, Luke laughed, and even Jake stared with total fascination at all of the lights. We walked over to Walnut street, did some shopping, and had a fabulous and memorable lunch here.

It was such a fun day we decided to make sure that we do this every year. While there is very little sweeter than a newborn, I'm finding total delight lately in having an almost 4 and almost 3 year old. To hear their thoughts, to see the world through their eyes, to see them laugh and make up jokes and to listen in on their conversations or share stories around the table is just so much fun. I love the people that these kids are becoming.

Starting tomorrow, it seems that there is some sort of Christmas related shindig every single day right up until the big day itself. *insert keeping it simple mantra here*.

The last picture is from the kids first visit with Santa this year. The gym had "Milk and cookies with Santa" yesterday and it was nice. For the first time in 2 years Jules was not terrified of Santa! Jake busily ate his beard, Luke told Santa he wanted dress up clothes and Bendarooz, and Julia said she wanted soapy crayons and a dollhouse. Jake continued to eat Santa's beard, and then we left. Santa lap sit? Check.

So, this was a strange morning.

About a month ago a friend and former work colleague of mine called me. He asked if I was free the next day and if I would allow the kids to be on TV. This friend works for QVC and needed kid people to play with a toy, on camera, to be aired on QVC. It didn't end up working with our schedule that time....but I got the call again yesterday. I dutifully straightened the house, laid out clothes for the kids, and got it all together by 8;45 when the film crew showed up.

Only issue? They neglected to tell me that this time they were not shooting for a toy....but for an e-reader. Reader being the operative term. The kids can't read. So guess who was getting filmed? Me. Me, with my "been stuck in the house all week" look on, no less. Hawt, I tell you, hawt. It was pretty funny. I got to do "real" things like lay on the couch in front of the fire at 9 am slowly and luxuriously page through my latest book in blissful silence. All I was missing was my bon bon's! Because, really, folks, that is what we SAHM's do, you know. Blissful reading in front the fire all day. Yup. In a performance which will surely get a nod from the Academy,. make my stomach hurt as I watch it with a red face, I got to lovingly read my two snuggly preschoolers a kids book on the e-reader. They even roped poor Nate in on this, *Dad-in-the-green-sweater* delivered a stirring performance as *dad-who-sips-coffee-while-smiling-at-his-family-and-e-reader* guy.

If you feel like getting a good laugh at my family (even Jake is in this) you can check it out on Dec 19th on QVC, it will be airing all day. I will be hiding in a hole, dying of shame and embarrassment.

Content

The bigs in their Christmas PJ's, last Christmas Eve.

We have been stuck in the house for three days, barring preschool. No gym. Enormous quantities of food (I'm gross). Jake has taken wonderful naps, and so have I. The house is decorated. Christmas cards are pouring in, and ours went out. The kids are loving cooking, and reading books, and doing crafts and making up bizarre games involving the migration of large herds of stuffed animals. Nate came home this afternoon and he is escorting me out of the house tonight on a date.

I have the strangest feeling. Contentment. Total contentment.

It is such a foreign feeling to me! I'm one who is usually on to the next thing before I finish the last. I am usually worrying about the upcoming events while still processing past ones. I don't sit still very often, or very well. Suddenly, things just seem to have come into sharper focus. Life feels pretty simple. Keep everyone as happy as possible, with a minimum of things and threats. Focus. Focus on the kids, focus on my husband, focus on gratitude. Enjoy our friends. Sit back and watch. Relish the crazy stories and the fact that they still love to snuggle with me. When I find myself in this great place (it is, unfortunately, more rare than I wish), I work hard to simply enjoy it. The kids are easy, lately. The house is warm. We are able to help others. We are trying hard to enjoy food, and family, and love, without succumbing to the three million ways to go broke, get sick, get bitter, or just be completely worn out by all of the "fun".

I refuse to let this Christmas be anything but peaceful, at least in the tiny little world of our own home. I refuse to take on more than I can or want to. I am good at saying no. This is my mantra. This Christmas, I refuse to sweat the small stuff.

You may find me repeating that many, many times before Jan 1. Whatever it takes, right?

For Jordan :)

El Tree, 2010.

El kids under el tree.

Annnnnnnd we're off

My filthy post dinner pre bath baby stands.

Brothers.

Jules telling Jake how much she missed him.

Jake was thrilled to play with Declan and Ronan and was totally enthralled by Christine.

The Christmas season is officially on. The tree is up and decorated, the outside lights are up on the house, the presents wrapped and delivered to the child we adopted, and we have our first Christmas party of the year under our belts. It is going to be a mad dash to Dec 25th from this point, I fear.

Big thanks to Grandma and Grandpa for watching the kids this weekend, and to Christine and Odj for putting us up down in DC!

Jake has his very first fever today. I want to say that it is just teething, as I can now feel his bottom teeth about ready to poke through......but it seems high for just a teething fever. We'll see. I've gotten quite spoiled by the good health we have enjoyed thus far this fall, I forgot how sad it is to have a small, fussy, baby!

Happy half, big guy.

Jake turned 6 months old a couple of days ago. I cannot believe that it has been 6 months since I woke up to my water breaking! I find the rate at which time is passing to be very unfair......I turn around and another month is gone, another milestone reached.

We had his 6 month visit today. It appears he is reallocating calories into height, he weighs 22.2 lbs and is 29 3/4 inches long, which shocks me to the point of wondering if the nurse got an accurate measurement. That is what Luke was in height at a year, I think. Either way, he is a big tall boy, with the requisite Mangan melon head. He is doing all of the things that he is supposed to do, barring getting ear infections, which was something that his big sibs had a real talent for yet Jake has yet to experience.

At 6 months Jake sleeps through the night most every night. He goes down around 6.45 and sleeps till either 5 or 6, and then I can get another hour of nursing in bed in with him, generally. Some mornings, like today, we get up at the wonderful, beautiful, 7 am. Other days, the painful cold dark 6. He is a jolly little boy, he loves to smile, he loves to watch his big sibs, he loves to be close to his Mama. He loves to eat, solids have been met with enthusiasm (and impatience, don't get distracted while feeding Jake, or you might lose a hand). The bathtub or our bathroom are probably his favorite things ~ as soon as we get up to our bathroom he smiles and starts flailing his arms and legs to get down ~ he just loves to be naked and crawl around our bathroom, for some reason. All in all I feel like Jake just slid easily and seamlessly into our family. The transition from 2 to 3 kids really was easy....much easier than going from 1 to 2 kids, to me.

Jake, big fella, you are now closer to one than to none. I love you so much, thank you for being such a sweetheart, a great nurser, a good sleeper ( now, you little bugger, I will never forget those first 8 weeks or so), and thank you so much for completing our family. I love looking around the table and seeing the faces that I plan to spend the rest of my life loving on.

Thanksgiving 2010

The kids love playing with Samantha on Thanksgiving. Next year there will be 5 kids in this picture!

Luke helps Mom Mom put up the Carolers. This year there is a new one, for Jake!

Bounty. So grateful for delicious food prepared with much love on this holiday.

Jake feels the love.

Triumphant after our Thanksgiving morning 5K. We ran with Jeannie and Tim (and sweet Henry, of course!) in the first snowflakes of the season. It was so much fun and a tradition that we hope to repeat for many years!

Whirlwind! From Tuesday night out with friends, to Wednesday car hunting and pie making, to a race (Nate's first ever!) with all three kids in strollers, to an amazing Thanksgiving meal, to choosing and decorating a tree, to Matt and Janine and Zoey and Owen visiting for the weekend, it has been a go go go sort of holiday. It was fantastic. I'm beat, but ever so happy and grateful.

More to come later. I need to take full advantage of this downtime with all three kids napping and the fireplace on. Go Eagles.