Dynamite.

The kids new favorite song. This is my life. Enjoy.

Catch up.

This was initially Luke's painting. Jules and Luke decided to switch sides to finish. Julia said "Mama, I am just going to add a red rising sun to make this picture perfect". And so it was.

Some of this. After a header into the table, Jake took his ice pack like a man.

The young artists at work.

Luke

Is biting his nails. This is a first, for us. I admit that it is making me a little crazy ~ I automatically associate the behavior with nervousness or anxiety. I don't know what to do. Do I ignore it? Do I (as I have been doing) tell him to stop?

Internet world, do you have thoughts? Any of your kids have an oral fixation or a nervous habit? Did or do you bite your nails? Luke is my only thumb sucker, has this grown out of that habit?

Sunday night.

Ah, Sunday. We have a nice Sunday routine these days, sleep in as late as we can (which means 6:30 for me lately as Jake is cutting 3 molars.....the good news is that I grab him up, come downstairs, light the fire, play on pinterest and nurse him while he sleeps in my arms for an hour until the kids wake around 7:30). We eat then head to the gym as a family, where Nate and I do Kettlebells together, then usually we come home for lunch and naps and football. Since Nate is going to be away for the next week, we had a treat today and headed to Iron Hill after the gym for a long brunch. Eating out as a family is pretty much getting to the enjoyable place again, rather than the tortuous place. The one great thing about Nate's school is that it really truly makes us treasure our family time, and just suck every lovely moment out of it when we get it. The kids took huge naps (till 4) as I did some organizing projects, slept, and Nate studied.

It has been a good week. Getting back into the swing of things feels wonderful. The kids have felt easy, Nate is studying, I am seeing friends and working out, and all feels well with the world. We even snuck out for a date night with friends this past week which was wonderful. Nate leaves at about 5 am for his annual rewards trip to PR, comes home thursday night, then is at school Friday and Saturday. I've been hesitant to write about this as I am afraid that it might come across as mean or weird, but in some ways, we are officially at the point where it seems easier when Nate is out of town. Please understand, my husband is my very best friend and the love of my life. Of course many things are easier when we are coparenting. BUT.......in some ways, it is just easier when the kids and I can just play it loose and fast, can fly by the seat of our pants, the kids can be loud in the house as Nate isn't working, I have less laundry and less (self imposed) pressure to cook big fancy family dinners. In some ways it is easier to know that it is all on me, rather to want or expect a bunch of help that Nate is simply unable to consistently give due to his studying.

Certain things get, well, messed up when Nate is home. A prime example was a morning a couple of weeks ago. We had recently switched the bigs up from sippie cups to regular cups. We had picked up a batch of multicolored plastic cups from Ikea. Every morning we have a routine, while I pour my coffee I let the kids pick a cup. Whatever color they want, as long as they are different. These are their cups for the day. On this particular morning, I had eaten, made oatmeal, gotten the kids their food, Nate came downstairs and I went upstairs to get dressed and to get the kids clothes laid out. As I was upstairs, I heard Nate yell at Jules to get upstairs. She came up, heaving sobbing (unlike my Jules, who is fairly stoic). I ran downstairs to ask Nate what was going on (sending a kid upstairs during breakfast is a huge deal as we are on a very time defined schedule due to school in the morning, so actually works against us, rather than for us). He was upset, saying that Julia had refused to drink and had gotten upset about the color of her cup. I paused. He said "WHAT? You wouldn't let her pull that kind of thing over a cup!". And I had to take a deep breath. He was right......except, Nate didn't know the deal. He couldn't have. He didn't know that I let the kids have this control over this simple, easy thing, and had picked and poured cups for them. I knew that I had to tread carefully in my response, because he was right, in no way would I have tolerated drama about something......unless. Unless Jules was right to feel wronged, because I had set a level of expectation and control about them picking their cups. I told Nate the deal. Of course he felt frustrated, because it is always frustrating as a parent to be out of the loop, or to realize that you made a parenting decision that was ultimately in line with our methods, yet wrong in the actual instance. He was frustrated, and felt like I was correcting him. I was sad that Jules was upset, and that Nate was upset, and that I had utter clarity on what exactly went down, but didn't really know how to rectify the situation. As awkward as it was, I asked Nate to apologize to Julia. Julia simply wanted her little world as she knew it, and was right to feel wronged when she didn't get her usual choice. He didn't do anything wrong, of course, but to not know the routine. And of COURSE he couldn't have known the routine, because so much of the time, he simply isn't a part of it. This is all new to us. We are used to sharing the load, to being on the same page, to pretty seamlessly understanding the rules and boundaries. Suddenly, that just isn't so, by necessity.

It is an interesting transition. It takes some pauses on my part (pauses are not my strong point, for sure........I'm very reactionary). Ultimately all of this is great........change is good, growth is good......but transition is hard. When I am getting so used to solo parenting, it takes a mindful transition to allow Nate back into the loop, if that makes sense. It may sound jerky, but that is so not how I mean it. It just is what it is. I almost have to physically remind myself to allow him his role, but also to not expect much of him beyond what he can do due to time constraints (i.e tonight he is on his weekly call with school...the kids can hear him, can know he is home, but he can't go kiss them goodnight after I read to them). That is weird, and hard to explain to kids, sometimes. In some ways it is easier to just say "Daddy is in *wherever*".

Anyway, its a juggling act, for sure. I marvel at the changes in our lives, sometimes, and keep my mind on the prize.........life is going to feel so easy once school is over! The new reality is one that I have accepted, without reservation or regret....just some readjustment as we go. I feel sorry for Nate sometimes, and feel sorry for myself sometimes, and feel sorry for the kids occasionally.....but ultimately I know that this is all for good. Elasticity is important and grows us, as individuals and as a unit.

Time capsule, and routine.

After a relatively relaxing holiday, it was a shittastic re-entry into real life. Luke got a high fever on Sunday. Monday morning found him not at school with his sister, but at the Pedi with a diagnosis of a double ear infection and strep throat. With a 104 fever, my poor man was listless and wan. He is such my big boy that I forget what a baby he still is in many ways, being sick reinforces this. I can't really complain, this is our first illness since last Spring, and thankfully he actually got through the holidays healthy....but it started off the whole "Get back into the swing of things" with a definite limp.

Sunday and Monday I didn't leave the house but to take Luke to the Dr. Tuesday I let him watch a show and snuck out with Jake and Jules to work out (Nate was working at home, obvs), but was home the rest of the day. I have to tell you, for a "Stay at home Mom" I completely and totally hate staying at home. I mean, I super hate it. I stink at it. I don't like it. We NEED to be out on the move, because being home is incredibly hard. The problem? Sweet Jake. The bigs are at such a wonderful age ~ pretty much all they want to do is puzzles and games and art projects.....I really think that they could go weeks without TV and not miss it. But. But there is this gigantic 19 month old who thinks he is 3 and wants to be involved in EVERYTHING.......and involvement looks a lot like Godzilla, at this point. It is illegal to cage him. Duct tape is unethical. So I'm a bit at a loss. Jake thinks that I am cool amazing when he wants to nurse, or when I am working hard to cook dinner, or at bed and nap or grocery shopping time.....but the rest of the day I am a distant third to his sibs. He loves them. And they love him. But I don't love the dilemma that all of this love presents. Jake tries to play, he does, but he simply lacks the mastery to do a 60 piece puzzle, he doesn't really understand "share" when it comes to coloring books, and he destroys games.

Anyway, after three days in the house I was pacing around like a caged beast.

Luke, my sweet Luke, was feeling it a bit too. He went straight from sick mode into impossible mode. And all felt ugly. I felt ugly, the kids seemed like jerks, and my job felt impossible hard. I felt off kilter and a little lost in my own life/routine. I cried Wednesday and Thursday night as I went to bed, feeling sure that I was ruining my children and probably myself as well.

Friday. Ah, Friday. Nate is back at school. I got up and had a lovely morning with the kids. I was driving them to school and rooting around in my center console.....and lost my breath when I discovered my CAMERA! It has been lost since August. I had given up, and as a new one isn't in the budget right now, resigned myself to awful indoor photos courtesy of iPhone. This was good, this was really good. I took the kids to school, then met friends for a 6 mile run. After 5.5 miles in the cold, Jake had had enough, and was screaming. To the car we went, then to the grocery store. I hadn't been in almost two weeks, which was a record. I got through everything, then remembered that I needed yeast. Because I am a glutton for punishment, I decided recently to begin baking bread from scratch. Not quick breads, which we make weekly, but real bread. If you know me you know what a terrible awful masochistic endeavor this is. I hate being exact, and baking is all about being exact. Anyway. I forgot the dang yeast. So back to aisle 10 I went. While I was pawing through the yeasts trying to find the type I needed, Jake reached back into the cart and upended a dozen eggs. They went flying up in the air. One landed on the floor. 11 landed in my cart. I spent 2 hours unpacking and washing those damn groceries. But as I stood there, raw egg all over my hand, and my baby, and my food, I just started to laugh. This was egg. Just some damn egg. This was not leukemia. This was not "a mass". This was a baby who got egg all over my stuff. My stuff which I am so lucky to be able to procure. Just stuff. Stuff that washes off. So, in that moment of mess, I refound my center. I'm not ruining my kids. I'm not terrible at this (just moderately bad). I was off balance, is all. Reentry from Nate being off is really no different than reentry from vacation....and both are the suck. We had a lovely afternoon at the gym (where I finished my run with another 6 miles), a peaceful and easy dinner and an hour of "loud time!" in the kitchen after dinner. We laughed a lot. I felt myself take my first true deep breath since New Years. I snuggled down with the kids as they watched a show, and we made grand plans for a pizza dinner and ice cream and easel painting for family night on Saturday when Nate gets home. I apologized to them for being frazzled. They forgave me with graciousness and giggles. And I tucked myself into bed at 8:30, with a joyful sigh.

In time capsule news, I plugged my camera in, eager to solve the mystery of when it was lost. There was just one new photo on it, and this was it. Can you guess? It was Nate's first day of school, back in the first week of August. He was leaving for almost a week for his intensive. I had forgotten making him a special little breakfast of eggs and toast and fruit....and my pounding nervous heart.....and this picture brought it all rushing back. Ironic, that this is when it was lost. In a sense, that was the day that everything changed. It is all good change, but damn is it change. When I get down on myself I need to give myself some grace ~ we are over 20% done this adventure, but we are deep, deep in this thing. My job is extra hard right now, and I have to remember that feeling like a failure is unfortunately going to happen, especially during this time of bearing an extra load (just like Nate is). We are going back to daily yoga afternoons, to more books, to less cleaning on my part, and easier dinners. When it all feels too big I need to remember that the power to make it smaller lies with me.

I feel balanced again, and ready to go. And I already hate bread making. I have my first "yeast sponge" in the fridge just waiting for me to mess it up today :) And yes, that sounds unfathomably gross.

Christmas Day 2011

Santa/Pop Pop and his sleigh. My parents woke up and headed to our house at about 8:30, where my kids were almost done with their gifts and heading in for stockings.

Luke and the stockings. Filled with things like tootbrushes, toothpaste, band aids, silly putty and other little things, the kids get as excited about these as they do their actual presents.

We spent the afternoon and evening with the entire Mangan family at Brendan and Kim's house. They do a fantastic job hosting 30 to a sit down dinner! Here is Julia and her only other girl cousin on Nate's side, who she idolizes. Jules called this look "cowlgirl princess"......not sure, but okay.

The chaos of 9 kids 12-1 playing and opening gifts.

I'm feeling tired just recapping Christmas. NY's was also wonderful, we spent the afternoon and evening with the Balciks and Reeds, then came home around 9:30 and got the kids off to bed. We celebrated the ringing in of the New Years at our neighbors, who were having a party, and Jake (my party animal!) slept till 11:15 the next day. This having older kids thing is getting pretty sweet! I hope anyone who makes it through this boring litany of Christmas events also had a great time this holiday ~ and that 2012 brings new opportunities for joy and growth to all of us. xoxo

Christmas morning, 2011

Coming down the stairs on Christmas morning. Poor Luke woke up excited at 6 am....and Julia and Jake slept till past 8. Luke was a patient boy hanging out with us in our bed (I admit I was up with excitement, too, after a while I paced around downstairs, making coffee, lighting candles, and enjoying the calm sunny house before chaos broke out.

Julia opened her presents. Santa brought her what she asked for, a Dr. Suess book about butterflies, a watch, and a tinkerbell nightlight.

Santa also brought a group gift this year. Our playroom was transformed into an art room, since lately drawing and crafting is all the kids want to do. Thanks, Ikea! The gate also was taken off, which symbolizes a huge shift in our life/dynamic! No more babies!

Putting out cookies and milk for Santa, and carrots for the Reindeer. We then hunkered down in front of the fire and read "the Polar Express" before bed, and then whisked the kids off to sleep so Nate and I could cook up a romantic dinner. All of the gifts had been wrapped and the furniture put together (Thanks Prells and Frees!) at our annual wrapping get together with a couple of friends, so we didn't really have any work to do other than stuff the stockings and carry up the gifts.

Happy with hot chocolate to go before we set out on our Christmas Eve Christmas lights tour. We ooohed and aahhhed at all of the beautiful lights in the neighborhoods around us, listened to Christmas music, and laughed a lot.

7 Fish dinner 2011

Strapping in Jake for his second annual 7 fish. About 5 years ago we took this from an extended family event (with my Dad's brothers/wives/my cousins) and it just became our immediate family. We still do the extended family night event, but a week later and as a pig roast. The logistics of planning a sit down meal for way over 30 just became too much as all of the cousins married and started having kids. The pig roast was also a great time, and I loved seeing my kids playing with their cousins at my Uncle Bobby and Aunt Cindys house....just like I grew up doing.

The cousins, 6 kids 4 and under. Samantha, Alyssa, Jake, Luke, Tessa and Julia. What a crew!

I admit to being excessively fond of traditions. I really get emotional and excited about doing things with my kids which I grew up doing and loving as a child. This works out well ~ my kids get very few gifts on Christmas morning, but get a ton of experiences and special events with family and with us over the holidays. Everyone has to find their own balance with this, but for us, this works. Sharing this night with my kids and my parents and my siblings is incredibly emotional for me, it was very literally the favorite night of my childhood, year after year. It has changed, as has the food, but the tradition is still meaningful to me, and I hope that my children are continuing it long after I am gone.

Christmas Programs 2011

Julia in her 3 YO preschool class Christmas Program. Remember last year, when asshole Mom drug my sick kids out for a torturous morning of programs? Luckily this year we were all healthy, and things went off without a hitch.

Mom Mom and Nate and I all went to watch.

Luke delivered a method acting performance as "lead Shepherd". The best part was the dance with little Abagail, but since blogger and I aren't getting along when it comes to video, you will just have to visualize Luke dancing with beautiful little girl about a head shorter than him.

My poor little neglected blog! I need to dust you off and get caught up.

Long story short, we had a lovely Christmas this year. It was one of the more relaxing that I remember, thanks to Amazon Prime, a well spread out assortment of family events/get togethers, and the kids being incredibly easy and generally well behaved.

Since blogger wants to lump all my photos together I'm just going to start a new post to fill in on other events, as that drives me crazy.