I simply cannot believe that this is my boy, my beautiful baby who I remember kicking inside of me, who I remember seeing two pink lines on a test with, like, TWO minutes ago.........standing in front of his elementary school.
I'm really weird about this. REALLY WEIRD! I cry about it every time I talk about it! Even my Mom thinks I'm weird! She told me that she was never like this, that I remind her of my two Aunt's, who were really sentimental about every new thing that their kids did and got all emotional about stuff. Now, I admit that I have vivid memories of sobbing and writing in my diary the night before my 10th birthday as it was the last night that I was ever going to be in single digits......so I suppose that I have been and simply am just a person who is just very emotionally aware of change. Of endings. Of new beginnings. Of how every step forward is wonderful, but is is a step that can't be untaken. And while those are certainly celebrations, they are also little, tiny deaths, too. Luke isn't just mine, anymore. And in reality, of course, he hasn't been just mine in years, but of course I sobbed on the first day of pre school, too, so I've been exceedingly consistent with my marking of these little deaths. These little markers of time, time which marches so consistently, so (I want to say cruelly, but it isn't cruel, it is simply life) in one direction. I will say that I am careful not to cry in front of Luke, though in truth it would not matter, Luke is cool ~ Luke is ready, and no manner of histrionics on my part are going to shake his resolve. He's excited. We had a special lunch, just the two of us, and then went out with his school back back and picked up all of his kindy supplies (for the classroom in general).......and it was awesome. Have I mentioned what a great kid Luke is? He is a way better person that I am. He is a genuinely kind, considerate, nice little boy. He thinks about his siblings all of the time. I was driving to lunch, and it hit me that when I was pregnant with him that I very, very much hoped (and felt) that I was carrying a boy. I was the first child in my family, and felt that it was hard being the oldest and being a girl. I always thought that being an oldest and being a boy might be easier, like, maybe you would be more immune to your parents mistakes and neurosis (still hoping for this). I also hoped that I would somehow squeak out a girl someday, and I had always wanted a big brother, and I figured that if I had a boy first, that would all work out very neatly. The universe complied, and there was Luke. Like any parent, I had dreams for my kid. I dreamed of him loving sports, I dreamed of him loving us, I dreamed of him being a great big brother. I hoped he would be kind. I selfishly hoped he might have my dimples :). And as I was driving to lunch, and glancing back in the mirror at this boy, this incredible little boy who looks just like me, with the dimples and the green eyes and the taunt little body~ yet who is so luckily ALL his Dad when it comes to his easy going, kind, eager to laugh, eager to share, eager to include, little wantstodoallthingssports kid.........I had to choke back sobs. Because who gets that lucky? Luke turned out to be the little baby I dreamed about in my fantasy. Right there in my back seat. And someday, Luke, if you read this, I hope that you know that I didn't even DARE dream you this cool. Because you amaze me, buddy. I am so proud of you, and I know that you are going to have a great time at school this year. You are going to learn so much stuff, and you are going to ride a BUS, and you are going to wear your backpack, and I am going to be standing at the end of the driveway waiting for you every single day at 4:05 with a big smile.
This was him on Tuesday morning. They had Kindergarden testing, and Luke had his at 9 am. It was simple stuff, letters, numbers, whatnot.....the objective was to identify kids who would benefit from the districts all day kindy option for kids who need extra help. It was so strange walking in to his school, where he will start on Sept 6, and hand him off to a lovely woman who was a reading specialist who was going to test him! I knew he would be just fine, after several years of pre school I know that while Luke is not necessarily any genius, he seems to be right on track for where he should be as far as what he should know for his age, and he did a great job with his testing and I was proud of his self confidence in the whole process.
Luke asked to look at the picture after I took it, this being the generation of instant digital gratification, and all. His comment? "Mama! I look so SMALL!".
I had to turn away to hide my tears. He is so small. His body, anyway. Luke's heart is so, so big. It will serve him well.
