A big day for my big boy.

While I was cooking breakfast Luke was coloring. He asked me once how to spell my name, so I spelled it out for him verbally. About 5 minutes later (apparently learning how to adjust starting point for my name length), Luke presented me with this. It made me teary. Under normal circumstances I may have just been proud and hung it somewhere......but today it felt big. Today was the entry to "the show". Luke, at 5, has been recruited (by state law, not talent), to kindergarten. Apparently he is the only one ready, as I admit to searching for more info on his school by googling "Fern Hill Kindergarden". I'm not very bright. I can't even spell kindergarten right. This does not bode well for my children.

I looked into this about a month ago as I had gotten the heads up that registration was in view. I was shocked (SHOCKED!) at the amount of forms necessary to enroll him in public school! There were several parent info forms, a form that had to be filled out by his Pedi, a form that had to be filled out by his dentist, an immunization form, a mortgage statement, a copy of his birth certificate, a current utility bill, and a nurse release form authorizing him to receive such (to me) relatively innocuous medications like tylenol or band aids. Really? Like, my kid is bleeding and I am a theoretically anti band aid parent? It all was a little bit shocking, to me. If this seems like complaining, let me temper it by stating that filling out the forms made me very grateful. No, Luke has not been exposed to anyone in prison. No, Luke has not been kicked out of any schools. No, Luke does not have any criminal record. No, Luke does not have any health conditions, allergies, or issues that we are aware of at this point. No, Luke does not live with a legal guardian. Yes, Luke lives with his parents, who live at the same home, and are married to one another (and quite like one another, in fact). Seeing such questions broke my heart, because those questions are asked for a reason, and the fact is, Luke is a lucky kid. When I find myself getting (occasionally) stressed out about this public school thing (in the wake of so many of my friends shelling out 10's of thousands of dollars in Montessouri or Friends, or Episcopal Academy or the like.......it can be stressful, even though I have no reason to doubt our school, doubt public education, or doubt my child), filling out these forms, and recognizing how Luke may not be going to a bagillion dollar school, but that Luke is LOVED, is therapy to me.

Anyway. Today was the day. I dutifully had all of my forms in a folder (little things like this feel like a huge accomplishment to me at times, with Nate so busy with work and three littles......and my general distaste for following rules etc). I dropped Luke and Jules off at school, then cried, just a little. A baby cry. A breathless inhaled sort of "Huh Huh Huhhhhh" sob followed by a stern "get it together soldier") emotional bracing. A moment of mourning. It passed. I was the first in line, the forms were all in order, and Luke is registered for Kindy. A small moment of joy happened as we stood there and I got a tap on the shoulder and turned to see my brother in law (by marriage, Becca's BIL), Tommy, smiling at me asking what the heck I was doing there. Turns out he is temping, and just TODAY got transferred to Fern Hill, and to Kindy at that! This is good. This gets me all the inside dirt, in advance. This is may be bad, too, if I find out Luke gets the kindy asshole teacher. If he has the asshole kindy teacher I may morph into the asshole Kindy parent. Then again, asshole teachers but good parents can be wonderful, so maybe I will be the "rise above" asshole kindy teacher parent. Or not. But I suppose I can worry about that later. Clearly I'm not thinking about any of this at all.

Totally relaxed. My style ;).

He has a day of testing in August, not sure what that is all about. I find out in July if he is AM or PM kindy, which could precipitate all sorts of changes. If he gets afternoon, I'm going to switch Jules to afternoon. In some ways, this would be great. It would let us get out to the gym or park or with friends in the AM, and then Jake could nap while they were at school. I'm curious about how the nap/bus/drop off schedule etc thing is going to work, but have decided to not fret about it until I know more.

They provided a list of "Kindy skills" which included basics like:

*Listen to a story for 15 minutes

*Sit still for 15 minutes

*retain information

*Have an interest in reading, stories, alphabet etc

*names colors (seriously? Jake can barely talk and can do this)

*talk in complete sentences?

*use scissors?

*Share?

*cooperate?

*Go to the bathroom without assistance?

etc etc. He can do these things. I love his set up. At 2.5 he went 2 days, stayed at 2 days at 3 (due to Julia), and went to 4 days this year. He is ready for Kindy.

It makes me a little sad (again) when they tell parents how to help their child prepare. This list includes things like

*Visit the library

*Read to them

*Take walks

*Talk with your child, not at them.

*ask your child how they feel.

*set limits, make rules.

*Sing songs.

*Have your child help with dinner.

I mean.........really? Again, it both reassures me that Luke is ready, but makes me sad that some of these items might be real *lightbulb* moments for parents. I'm no parenting goddess, I generally am very aware of my shortcomings......but JEEZ, if this is like the gold standard of Kindy preparedness, we are cool. (luckily the list said nothing about parents being able to spell the actual grade. Relief.)

It was funny, a parent two behind me looked familiar. When I turned to leave I told her so, and asked if she went to ACAC. Sure enough, we knew one another (visually) from the pool, and our boys are friends from kids zone, so we introduced ourselves. Went two steps further and ran into Katie Miller, my friend and neighbor, registering her Maddie. Left with big Jake and ran to Wegmans as the gym was out at this point. Standing in the produce section at Wegmans, I saw Allison (new kindy Mom friend from line). Laughed about me not stalking her. As I was in the checkout aisle I hear "MELIS!" and looked up and one row over was Katie Miller. All three of us, doing the exact same thing, at the exact same time. Too weird. Lest I ever think that I am unique, the microcosm of our community reinforces the idea that I am just like everyone else. This is good.

I'm excited for this. I'm excited for Luke. He's ready. I'm ready. The bus gives me panic attacks, so I'm going to wait on being anxious about that until later on. Prepare yourself for anxious irrational bus psychosis in the future. For now, all is well. My Luke is registered for Kindy. Since I don't know how to spell it right, I will refer to it as Kindy or simply K from here on out.

I love my love letter from my Son. I get amazed at how much my kids are learning, considering I teach them very little other than kindness, friendship, and a shitload about sports. It's like some little elves sneak in and teach them letters or reading while I'm sleeping. It's all good.

Im afraid to say it out loud

This was Jake, at 8:15 this morning when I had to wake him. This is exactly how he sleeps, all the time. Isn't he edible?

We met Erin and Jenny and Jeannie and the kids at Freedom Playground for a morning of fun.

Jake is truly one of the gang at this point, which is just insane.

Luke's first TROPHY! He is so proud. It sits right next to his bed.

I don't want to jinx anything but it's 60. Hellooooooo February???? Where are you? Believe me, I am NOT complaining. This is fantastic. If we are truly coming out of winter already (as my hopeful, if maybe suicidal) tulips believe, this is just crazy! We have been playing outside all winter long, no insane trapped inside the house weeks, no illness, no nothin!

Cruisin.

Luke, at 5

You had your 5 year well visit yesterday, buddy. You continue to stay on the same growth curve, at 43 lb and 43 inches. Last year you were 40 and 40 ~ I picture you looking like a little circle of boy :). You are strong, and healthy, and thankfully free of any health or emotional problems at the moment.

At 5 you are kind hearted and extremely active bodied. You are the most innately generous kid I have ever seen ~ I don't know if this is related to having a sibling a mere 13 months younger, or just how you are wired ~ but you share everything. Everything. You can drive me a little crazy at times with the energy and the noise..........and I know that a huge part of that is just being in the house more than I would like due to the weather. Even if it has been unseasonably warm, we are in the house a lot more due to darkness and school. Summer is going to be great for us buddy, just great. You just finished your first basketball program and got your first trophy tonight, pics to follow. You are so proud of it ~ it is sleeping right next to your bed. You are good at sports, and I'm not just saying that as a braggy Mom, but your athleticism is obvious. You love to draw, and I am loving seeing your pictures get more elaborate as you include the entire family, trees, houses etc. Its like you are growing up right before my eyes. You still nap, which I love and appreciate and will forever be grateful to you for. 1-3 every day. Some days I think that you don't sleep and just play or read, but other days I'm up there waking you up at 3:30 or 4. You go to bed at 8, you come crawling into my bed at 6:40 where you snuggle down all warm and cozy with me until 7, when we get up. Sometimes I think of the darling and innocent toddler you were and my heart just aches, I want it to be that simple again, I want you to need me that much again......yet at the same time I savor the independent things that you can and do do. You love to help me around the house, every day you know that you are responsible for taking your dirty clothes to the laundry room, setting the table, and clearing your plate. You clean your room every few days. You love to help clean windows. You are an amazing eater ~ you down things like kale and salmon and spicy salsa with relish. I love watching you eat. You are so, so kind to your siblings. You set the tone in our home Luke, and I 100% credit you for creating a feeling of "team" amongst the Mangan kids. Jake and Julia adore you, and deservedly so.

I'm oh, oh so tired, but I wanted to get this written. It doesn't do you justice, buddy. You are a great kid, and easy kid, but most importantly, a kind kid. I love you.

Luke's kindergarden registration paperwork got filled out at his 5 year visit. I register him next week. Emotional.

The weekend.

The boys watching their (and my!) first wrestling tournament. This happened on a whim today as my parents were kind enough to take us all over there for a bit and then out to lunch (Nate is still at school).

Surprise! I snuck out of "family night" at Nova to attend a little surprise birthday girls night for one of my best friends. Erin and I had a lot of fun planning this night for our much loved friend who was celebrating her 40th birthday. As the restaurant was right near the Conference Center where Nate's MBA program is held, Brooke brought the kids home from the family night party and spent the night here, and I got to spend the night with my husband who I've been missing so terribly! It was a great night as I got to both celebrate my friend, and celebrate my family.

The gorgeous birthday rocks 40.

Julia simply can't resist a good face painting ;)

All dressed up and ready to celebrate!

This is rather how I feel

With Nate away for so long. Like I'm walking around confused and disoriented and people are laughing at me.

I mean, not really, but a little. I get lonely at night. Even with girlfriends and kids keeping me busy during the day, I feel really, really lonely at night this week. This is the downside to being crazy in love with ones husband......when they are gone for a long time you start to feel a little unmoored. I don't know if it is lingering sentimentality over Luke's birthday, or Valentines Day, or Julia's looming 4th birthday, or what....maybe just all of the change involved with a new job and school changes coming up for the kids and whatnot......but I feel off kilter. I need to take the box off my head and get it together.

5. Five. Cinco. Big.

Courtesy of Becca :)

A BIKE!

Remember this little guy? I do. I remember him like it was a hot second ago.

Luke's party at school.

Celebrating birthday eve as Nate had to travel that night and miss the actual birthday day.
Lukes birthday morning.......where some much needed pajamas produce extreme excitement.

Celebrating with a few friends on the actual birthday. Thank God for girlfriends, and their ability to keep me from (mostly) being a weepy mess.

I've been avoiding this post. I''ve been avoiding it because I want to make it special, and I don't seem to have the time to make anything special these days.

I guess I should first start off by saying that birthdays are hugely emotional things to me. They are NOT, however, hugely expensive and commercial and gifty things to me. I feel like one of the biggest challenges that parents of my generation face is keeping things in perspective........birthdays come every year. Kids are special every day. Every birthday, however, does not have to be some giant extravagant over the top spoil fest. This year is a biggie, 5 seems really big to me. It started with school ~ I love Luke's non fancy non super expensive but really kind pre school. I was invited to bring a special snack, and party bags for his classmates, and to celebrate his big day with him and his friends at school. Like I do with most things......I built this up into feeling like a giant pain, and in fact it was a giant joy. We had to make an "all about me" thing for Luke to present to his class. We made a poster board, with pictures, answering the questions. Here were Luke's responses.....

We had a photo of his family.

We had a photo of his home.

We had a photo of his favorite food (Hawaiian Pizza)

A photo of his favorite past time (Boardgames)

A photo of his favorite show (Scooby Doo)

A photo of what he wanted to be when he grew up (A Dentist?)

Things actually worked out exceptionally well with Nate being off on the Friday of Luke's party at school.....Nate was able to come. It was so much fun to see my boy be the honored kid, to see his friends learn more about him, and to see the awesome processes that their preschool embraces (community, kindness, and respect......not algebra or chinese like some preschools around here. Not that there is anything wrong with that, I just embrace things that work with my mental state.....I can't speak chinese and I don't want to pay 700/month for my kid to learn 5 words of it ). I have a wonderful amazing sister who made his "treats" that we were to bring in (homemade brownies, if you want to check out her awesome blog it is to be found here .)

Friday night Nate and I celebrated our anniversary feast style, and on Saturday we went and picked out Luke's birthday present, a bike.

Saturday night we snuck out for a date and met friends for dinner.......and Sunday had a great day at the gym and had a special birthday dinner with Nate as he was about to get on a plane to Cali for the beginning of his new job!

This morning was a little weird for me. I admit that Nate texted me at 2 or 3 in the morning to let me know that he had gotten to CA safely, and I couldn't get back to sleep. I picked up my computer and took a walk down memory lane.......thinking about being in labor.... about Luke in my belly, about our anxiety and unfathomable excitement as we waited (for a LONG) time to meet this first little bugger of ours. I was so emotionally weepy that I walked down to Luke's room, threw my arms around him, fell soundly asleep, and got to see his eyes open as a 5 year old for the first time. 5 is still lovely. 5 has a touch of morning breath, but a plethora of morning hugs and loves. 5 is still innocent and sweet. 5 is fabulous. He didn't remember it was his birthday, when he first woke. I had about 5 minutes where I simply got to love on my baby without any other expectations than just the fun and joy of loving one another on a sunny cold morning in a warm bed.

I had all of these visions of the morning (FU pinterest), involving balloons all over the stairs and special breakfast food.........and then reality and Nate being away set in. I wrote his card while he played with Jules, I threw some pajamas in a bag with tissue.....and he was THRILLED. I'm telling you, low expectations are the way to go. Sometimes I think that our culture pressures us to special things to death, to set this level of expectation that pretty much sucks for our kids.

Anyway.

Once Nate accepted this contract, and I realized that he was going to be out of town, I invited three girlfriends and their kids over for dinner. I didn't want to be crying into my cupcakes, missing my buddy, my other half, my husband. The plan worked out smashingly well, the kids had a great time, and I feel even more blessed than Luke might, tonight. I love my girlfriends.

Luke Dawg.. I love you. I love your kind heart. I love how much you love sports. I love your generosity. I love your adorable little muscular body that I just can't get enough of . I love your smiley eyes, and your dark lashes, and your funny double cowlick. I love the way you are the first to wake up, and at 7 come creeping into my room, where I life the duvet, and you put your warm little body up against mine for another 30 minutes. I love the way you can't lie, even when you try. I love your kind heart. I love the way you forgive me when I am an impatient jerk.

Thank you for being EXACTLY who you are. I have no idea how I got you (okay, I do, you are your Daddies sweet boy), but I could not love you more. Happy 5, hot guy. Thanks for making me a Mama :)

Valentines Day Parties.

So I don't like valentines day to begin with. I mean, love is great and all that, and who doesn't like a reason to eat a lot.....but in general it simply isnt one of those holidays (like, say, Arbor day) that gets me all hot and bothered. Nate loves me, and he shows me that all year round.....some day where we are supposed to be all especially in love is just weird. If he was a jerk, I might feel differently.

Anyway. Enter preschoolers into my life and my general "meh" ness about Valentines Day is taking a turn for the more aggressive stabby sort of emotion. Its this big stupid deal. And, it could be pretty simple, but I am genetically programmed to make simple things hard. I think that my Mom would have rather eaten glass than give out pre made valentines (WHICH THERE ARE NOTHING WRONG WITH).....but I just can't do it. Genetics are a bitch. So I spent a tortured 30 minutes at Michaels with Jake ("Hi Jake! HIGH FIVE JAKE! HUG, Jake! Jake, stop it. stop it. stop it. STOP IT! Mean face. Throw random heart pinky things in cart. Doilies. Gag). Then, proceed to the actual making of the Valentines, and the super special Valentines day BAG for the super special Valentines day PARTY at preschool (x2). And then my dumb self asks the teachers if they need anything for the party (a nicety to which they are supposed to reply "oh no sweetie, you have your hands full!") yet instead both sets of teachers request contributions. And again, because of genetics, they have to be handmade.

I will say, this year was better than last year. If anyone remembers last years debacle (the day that Nate was out of town and Jules decided to paint her room, quilt, and furniture brown, turning me into a naked just out of the shower screaming banshee)..........it really could only go up from there.

I put Jake to bed each night and we did the valentine thing in three stages. The upside to all of this forced tortuous creativity is that my kids pretty much don't remember what TV is, and I actually have spent several relatively enjoyable glittered evenings with them post Jake's bedtime. One night for the bags . One night for the valentines. One night for the stupid candy that none of the other parents even want being attached to the valentines. So. Yay. Do I sound excited yet?

Don't even get me started on the FUN of preschool mandated birthday parties. Next post. My Italian is already too fired up just writing about this adventure to start on that one.

PS, this is a video because it was supposed to be a photo and I am iPhone stupid.

Julia's first race!

Big news! My wonderful hardworking husband has accepted a job offer that he is really excited about with a company called Riverbed! After 12 years at Telos, this represents a huge change and opportunity for our family! I'm so proud of him and excited about the new challenge he has accepted.

In other news, Julia and Luke ran their first race together yesterday! On a chilly February day in Feb they were besides themselves with excitement and I could not have possibly been more proud of them.

My baby turns 5 a week from today and I am feeling really emotional about it. 5 years! I'm awed.

Waving goodbye.

It's the end of an era.

Jake is weaned.

5/13/2006-1/27/2012. I bid thee farewell, with nothing but the fondest of memories.

This means, that for the first time since May of 2006, I am no longer pregnant, pregnant and nursing, or just nursing.

We went on vacation recently. The night before we left, I took my 20 month old Jakers up to bed. I did so with tears in my eyes. I did so knowing that as much as I believe that he would have taken right up where we left off......I was done.... and he was going to be okay with being done. He was ready.

I took him up. I put on his PJ's. I purposely left my computer (which is often our nursing companion in the post dinner pre bigs chaos) behind. I sang to him. I rocked him. I inhaled all of the lovely round sweet smiley Jakeness that is my boy. I sat there, after a bit, letting his giant body overwhelm mine, and just let him nurse. I found myself nostalgic. I don't remember the specific "last nurse" with my other kids. But I knew, I just knew, that this trip would be it, because I felt that we were both going to be okay with entering a new era in our relationship. As I stared straight ahead, lost in my daydream of the journey of our nursing relationship.........I felt a touch on my left cheek (He was nursing on the right). Jake had reached up, grabbed my chin, and gently turned my face down towards him. He looked me straight in the eye, while nursing, and gave me his crinkle eye upturned corner of the mouth smile. Tears leapt to my eyes. He looked at me, all smiley eyed and lovely ~ and he touched my nose with his pointer finger. Then he touched his nose. And I heaved out a little gasp of a sob. Then he touched his eye, then my eye. Ears were next. And while I think that we was going for tummies next, he touched my heart, then his heart. I'm sobbing just writing this. My gentle boy, my little sweet, intuitive soul, thanked me in a way that I could have spent years coming up with. It was a moment in my life I will never, ever forget.

I don't nurse my babies because I think that it is the best thing ever. I have been very fortunate in that it has come easily to me. And in the same way that others have empathy for my difficulty in birthing babies despite my fervent wishes.........I have an endless empathy and love for those who fervently wished to nurse but despite their best efforts could not.

I don't take my luck for granted, or credit myself for it for one hot second.

I do treasure and respect and revere the fact that despite all of the things that I can't control, nursing went swimmingly well for us. Jake knew nothing other than my milk, and our relationship was effortless.

I will never, ever forget that moment. I will be some batshit old lady on crazy meds telling the uncaring ward how my baby made me look at him that last day. How my nose and his nose were friends. How my heart and his heart were in sink. And mostly, how a little 20 month old, could sense his Mama's sorrow and nostalgia........and validate it with a smile. I feel like he thanked me, and freed me, in that one simple gesture.

Jake is a special kid. And this was and will be one of the more special moments of my life.

Jake, I love you, and I thank you. I have spouted off a bunch of well meaning garbage about nursing being a relationship......but until this moment I never really considered the other side of the street. Relationship takes two. And without the gift that Jake gave me, I might never have known the power that a "last nurse" could hold. Thanks, sweet, sweet intuitive baby.