Dynamite.

The kids new favorite song. This is my life. Enjoy.

Feeling the beat.

It's dance party central around these parts lately. The kids demand "Music Mama! I wanna DANCE!" no less than three times a day lately. Its a very innovative sort of dance, very little structure, lots of soul. It usually involves running in loose circles, occasionally colliding, and when a collision has NOT happened recently enough for their liking, they simply create one and fall to the ground together in a heap of laughter.

In other news, I got to hear a different beat today ~ the heartbeat of our newest family member. I had seen it, 4 or 5 weeks ago, but had not heard it until today. Today was my first appointment with our new midwife. It was fantastic. Rather than the ole "wait for an hour to pee in a cup to get weighed to get your head patted and a "see you in four weeks" slap on the bottom (okay, no bottom slaps or chest bumps actually happened)" we had an hour long appointment. We had a cup of tea. Blood was drawn and bathroom cups were utilized but the weight thing and the dismissive "how are you, see you in 4 weeks" routine was supplanted with actual interest and shared joy/excitement over the wonder of pregnancy. Its a very different feel, and one that I very very much longed for. I feel confident that Nate and I and this baby are in the right hands and exactly where we are meant to be as we wait for this new life who will be joining our family.

Almost an hour into our lovely appointment, she asked if I would like to hear the babies heartbeat. "OF COURSE!" I replied. She got out the Doppler, and paused right before she went to place it on my belly. "You know at this point in pregnancy its only 50/50 that we will find it easily via Doppler. "Of course!" I replied (out loud). In my head I was saying "La la la la laaaa of course we will find it right away I always found it right away in my last two pregnancies when I rented a Doppler in the early weeks now put the thing on my belly and let me hear my baby!".

She tried for about two minutes and said "well, you are measuring ahead, everything looks great, I think that the baby just has a lot of room in there to hide from us ~ we will hear it next time". That is what she said out loud. What I HEARD was "well your baby is most likely dead inside your gigantic cavern of a uterus and what a fool you were to think that you could feel this great in your first trimester and have nothing be wrong you silly little moron". So I kept on my smiley face, and said "Oh, totally, I know. Its disappointing but I am sure we will hear it next time" as inside I said "Everything is terrible and I wish Nate was here".

I got in the car and called Nate. I told him. I managed not to cry. Much. Then I remembered that one of my best friends is pregnant. And that that friend had rented a Doppler. And so I called that friend. And I admitted to my moment of pregnancy insanity/insecurity. And I asked if I might come over that night and try to listen for my baby. My dear darling friend, knowing the utter insanity that an event like not hearing your babies heartbeat could create, insisted that I go to her house immediately, go in her door and use her Doppler, even though she wasn't even home. I didn't even bother saying the polite "are you sures?????".....I just went. Jules and I drove to the other end of the Earth from my appointment, and raced in my girlfriends house. The SECOND I put the Doppler on my belly I heard the most beautiful sound on Earth. The baby quickly flitted away from the Doppler, and it took a few minutes to find it again. I called Nate with some happy tears on my face and let him know that all was well.

So now I picture this tiny baby having a BALL inside my gigantic playground of a "measuring ahead" uterus. Flip around and have a ball and hide from me all you like baby ~ all too soon you will be cramped and jutting out of my belly in all manner of odd angles as you jostle for position in there. I promise it.

Our newest babe scared me today. And while you can say all of the "don't worries" in the world, no one, NO ONE knows worry like a pregnant Mother, even a (relatively) relaxed, been there before one like me.

I'm thrilled with our new caregiver. I'm thrilled to know that our baby is safe and growing. I'm especially grateful for Jeannie, and her generosity and compassion today in the face of my fear. I can't wait to see our babies playing together a year from now as we shake our heads and laugh at all of our pregnancy worries and fears.

Rain, Rain, Dance, Dance.

We are in the grips of a Nor'easter. Driving home from the gym this morning my car told me that it was 38 degrees out. 38 and pouring, that is. Nate has been out of town most of the week and will not return until late tonight.

I got flashbacks to this time last year ~ More specifically of Nate's trip to Germany (And Amsterdam! Let's not forget Amsterdam! :)). He was gone for a week. Both kids got sick. It rained the ENTIRE week. And life was really, really hard. Jules was 7 months old, crawling and eating solids, and Luke was only 19 months old and into everything. I remember feeling slightly panicked at times. I had very little help that week (I'm terrible at asking for help) and felt very isolated with sick babies and lousy weather.

This year, not so much. I'm rather enjoying the cozy cold rain, and the afternoons spent eating popcorn together on the couch as we read book after book. When the books get old its time to DANCE. Julia has found her dancing groove all of a sudden, and she and Luke will spend up to an hour ~ him doing this crazy flailing armed seizure-ish dance, and her shaking her diapered booty as she waves her hands in the air. Every few minutes they grab hands and sing "round and round" or "ring around the Rosie" as they spin around the modified dance floor until they crash to the ground in gales of laughter. I am grateful for good friends, a warm house, warm food, and healthy babies.

Have you guys heard about this thing called H1N1, or the "illness formerly known as Swine Flu?". Yeah, just kidding. You can't escape it. The hysteria is high ~ whether it is valid or not is not for me to determine. I have had several friends who have had it ~ all took Tamiflu, all have recovered nicely after a week or so of being down and out. I vacillate between fear and annoyance at the whole thing. As of right now (after talking to our Pedi, friends who are nurses, my OB and our prospective Midwife) we are choosing to not get the vaccine, but I am open to any and all information about it, and I reserve the right to change my mind on the vax at a moments notice. I'm not worried about the safety of it, necessarily. I feel it is no different than the regular flu shot as far as safety. Just like everyone else, I know nothing about the effectiveness of the vax, and don't know that I can justify injecting my kids (twice, three times if you count the regular seasonal flu shot) with something that has in no way been proven to be effective. None of us have ever gotten the flu shot before (nor have any of us ever gotten the flu). A new report which seems to indicate that those who got last years flu shot are MORE susceptible to getting H1N1 has me nervous ~ What's to say that there will not be another epidemic bigger and badder than this one next year preying on those who got this vax? Why not rely on natural immunity? My kids are healthy, they are fabulous eaters, they are fabulous sleepers, they have no underlying conditions like asthma or auto immune issues.

To throw another wrench into the decision is the fact that I am pregnant. That (if you read the papers) means that I will die. Okay, not die necessarily, but I am the equivalent of a swine flu ticking time bomb according to some news sources. That might make me more likely to get the shot ~ But for the fact that I am not just thinking of me, but the baby I carry. If the vax is not recommended/safe for babies under 6 months of age, why should I feel confident that it is safe for babies in the womb? Are they not even MORE delicate than newborns?

Anyway. I ramble. I know that there are strong feelings on this one on both sides of the issue. I respect those who are lining up to vax, and those who say NO WAY IN HELL. I get it that any and all decisions that we as parents make concerning this flu are coming from a place of love for our children. I am grateful for vaccines, in general. I feel 100% insanely confident that vax have NOTHING to do with Autism. I am grateful to have the luxury of not fearing polio, or whooping cough, or smallpox, thanks to vaccines. Our kids have had a slightly delayed schedule, and skipped one or two, but are fully immunized by the age of 2. I am a big believer in herd immunity, and believe that choosing to vax my kids is something that helps ALL kids, not just my own. I feel grateful that we can travel internationally with our family without fearing things that may not exist in our country these days, but surely do exist in other parts of the world. I think that *some* parents get on board with the trendy "Vax are so evillllllllll" bandwagon without enough research. Not all, but some. I admit, I was a bit that way before I read and read and read. Anyway. I'm so all over the place here. I have to bundle up the wee ones to get out to the farm this afternoon, and then we are all putting on our pajamas, ordering pizza, and settling in to watch the Phillies with Dee. I can't wait. Enough worrying about super flu's and vaccinations for the day.

Dancin Man

Here is Luke getting his groove on tonight. The dance party started once his clothes came off after dinner ~ Luke had his hands up above his head until I told him that his Dad pretty adamantly believes that only hippie's and girls EVER dance with their arms above their heads.......he immediately segued into the more traditionally male "hands in front of body feet not moving" white guy shuffle. The diaper and shoes really complete the look....don't you think? I mean, its a wonder you don't see that look more frequently on the dance floor. Luke's bringing sexy back.

He is also proudly sporting his very first pair of real kid shoes. Now that he walks everywhere I felt that it was time to get him into some real soled shoes. He seems to like them. He has fat little size 5.5 W feet,and he was a charmer through the entire foot measuring experience at the shoe store. His walking was a little funny in the new kicks, hopefully he gets used to them tomorrow.