Its been raining for 7 years. Not seven literal years, 7 Mother years. That equates to about two months of time stuck in the house during what is usually amongst the best weather time of the year. You know how hamsters eat their young when under duress? I'm there. I get it.

The house feels smelly. I catch myself wondering if I am starting to mold. The floors feel gross all the time. I'm a little bit tired of it.

The good news is that the kids are all healthy. School is in full swing. Luke and Jules both go three mornings (9-11:30) and Luke goes one afternoon. You know, LUKE? My 4.5 year old who still naps every.single.day at 1:00 (and frequently needs to be woken up at 4)? This is what happens 3 seconds after Luke gets in the car after enrichment (12:30-3) ~

Gah. Blogger and I are going to come to blows...but that top photo? The one of Luke passed out? That is what happens. This week he went to "lunch bunch" for the first time ~ I packed my very first school lunch for one of my kids! Exciting now, probably less so 8 years and 4500 lunches into this. Luke was so excited, he helped me package up everything and he picked out everything he wanted (turkey and cheese, raisins, a pear and water). I'm loving the bit of free time and trying to catch up on the past 4 years of routine beauty maintenance/shopping/fashion/make up etc that I have missed. I have somewhere along the line become this frumpy ill dressed hapless person with a tattered and neglected wardrobe and zero, nay, less than zero idea of how to dress or present myself. I'm getting tutored by my sister. Hopefully I can get back on track. Stay tuned.

Dear blogger.

I am having a fight with you. You are winning. And I am so annoyed that I keep shunning you....but to no avail.

I have tried eleventy times to upload a tiny little 1 minute video.....and it won't do it.

I'm beyond annoyed.

Anyone have any advice?

In the meantime, would love input on these:

please go to www.silvinabphotography.com, click on "proofing" and enter password "mangan" (case sensitive).

To see family pics, and if you are the commenting sort, please let me know your favorites!

xoxo

What's really hard

About being a Mom to three kids is remembering what a perfect Mom you used to be with just one child.

I mean, of course I wasn't PERFECT......but damn I could meet all of Luke's needs. All of them. Immediately. Even if that just meant holding him for as long as he needed to be held. My patience was like a deep well....not a puddle like it seems to be these days.

I had a trying day with the kids. Nate was away almost all of last week, the race was a big deal this past weekend and it left me rather depleted....and I pretty much had the patience of a total suck Mom today.

Tonight as I was putting the kids to bed as Nate studied with classmates here at the house, I found a picture of Luke, from his first fall. He was about 8 months old, and sitting on the front porch of our old house. He was immaculately clean. His socks matched. He was probably freshly bathed and had a brand new diaper on. He was so happy. And it made me cry.

I pretty much feel like we are in a great groove around here. I have learned how to solo parent 90% of the time, and I do it with joy as I know that we are doing this for a purpose. That said ~ when I am cooking dinner and Nate is studying and I'm telling the kids "Stop laughing so LOUD! (who SAYS that????)" and Jake is clutching my leg and I am sweating the sweat of someone who is trying to do more things at one time than their body is humanly capable of ~ I feel like I am failing everyone. Lots of people. At the same time.

And seeing that picture just made me wonder....."what if". What if I was a "normal" parent, with kids farther apart. Could I have hung onto that idea of meeting everyones needs a lot longer? Could I have been a lot better at this?

I know it is futile to dwell on......it all is what it is......but damn in some ways I miss being that more perfect-ish Mom to just one person. The joys are threefold, no doubt, but so are the sorrows and regrets and fears.

Dinner at the Mangan's

Think that there is much of a chance that Jake does NOT grow up to be the class clown, with his adoring audience egging him on from such an early age?

Before and After

Before: Ugly!~ We hated the slate stepping stones and the ugly plants.

Total builder grade landscaping.

Afterward! A new sidewalk with pavers, paver veneers over the ugly slab front porch, a birch tree and lots of diverse plantings. The old plants were moved around the side corner to hide our two giant A/C units.

I'm beyond thrilled. I may just hang out on our little front porch all fall now that it is such a pretty and pleasant place to be. Our back decks are going to miss me!

My running buddy.

Tomorrow is exactly two years since I found out that I was pregnant with this little bugger! A year ago I was just coming out of my post partum nurse the greedy little piglet alllllll night long haze. And tomorrow, I am running my first half marathon! I honestly owe it all to this little fellow.

Jake's birth was the most emotionally and physically demanding thing that I have ever been through in my entire life. I have been through a lot in my life, so I don't say that lightly. For months all I could see was the "failure" in his birth ~ the failure of something that I had worked hard for (a peaceful home birth) not coming to fruition. With some perspective and some time, I came to realize that the difficulty of Jake's birth was actually the greatest gift I have ever been given in my entire life. I realized that not only did I get the amazing little bundle who is Jake, I got a newfound appreciation for the actual strength and power of both my body and my spirit. I came to appreciate how much Nate, and my friends and family, support me. I came to realize that sometimes the best gifts come to us through pain or derailment. It takes a little longer to see those gifts, but that just makes them all the sweeter.

I started running this past January and Jake has logged many, many miles with me! Our runs are now fun, with my little blond partner pointing and shouting out things along the way (given his limited vocabulary, I can tell you that it isn't the most stimulating conversation ~ "Ball!" "No, Jake, MOON!", "Ball!" "Dog!" "No Jake, bird!" "Dog! ruff ruff ruff ", and so forth and so on). I'm really excited for tomorrow ~ I'm giving little weight to my time, simply grateful to have a body (and a family!) which allows me to set goals, work towards them, and achieve them. I'm running tomorrow to show my kids that the important part of life is the trying, not always just the outcome. If you try hard and truly give things your best, at some point the outcome becomes secondary to the gift and lesson of the effort itself. I will be thinking of my sweet boy Jake as I run ~ Of where we were as a family two years ago when we first learned that he was on his way to us, and of where we are today, blessed with this little character who lights up all of our lives.

First Day of School

My proud kids standing my the morning glories.

I can't believe what a big boy Jake is. He was so excited to be standing with his big sister and brother, though of course he had no idea what was going on.

My babies and me.

Since Nate was out of town Mom Mom came over to take pictures of the kiddos on their first day.

The kids had a great day on Monday :)

Jules loves her teachers (Mrs. Steverman and Mrs. Crum) and Luke feels the same way about Mrs. Heim and Mrs. O'neil. Jake and I enjoyed our few hours of alone time with a trip to Trader Joe's.

Today Luke had his first afternoon class (they call it "enrichment" and he goes Tuesday afternoons from 12:30 till 3). It is generally more academic than the regular morning preschool ~ they focus a lot on science and history. The interesting thing for us is that Luke is still a regular, champion napper. He sleeps every fay from 1 till 3:30........so watching him doze off as I drove him to school made me feel bad. He loved it, however, and as I know that naps can't last forever I figure that one day of a missed nap/week will be worth it for him.

There is a lot going on around here ~ Nate is gone almost all week, we have a ton of workers here giving us a new front walk and landscaping, and I am gearing up for my half marathon on Sunday! I'm exhausted and off to bed. So happy that the kids love school ~ may their love of learning never end!

Rain, rain, go away.

At Jazzfest. Delaware Water Gap, 2011. A celebration of Bob Dorough who is a family friend .

Jake and Grandpa watch Penn State (lose)....on the weekend before Grandpa's 70th birthday! Happy birthday Grandpa, we love you :) Jake is officially my huggiest kid.......seriously this kid just wants to be picked up so that he can wrap his strong little arms directly around your neck and lay his sweet cheek on your shoulder and hug the loving bejuzes out of you. I would like to think that he is just a super lovey kid....but I suspect that part of it may be defense mechanism related to being a third kid and feeling all "DON'T LET ME GO PAY ATTENTION TO ME PLEASEEEEEEE!". Either way, big dude loves, loves to hug.

Meet the teachers day at preschool. Nate was out of town. Jake was totally into it, as you can tell. This morning was insane. I was stupid. I tend to think that I can do everything.....I can't. Taking three kids to the back to school/meet the teachers day for two kids (at the same time, apparently people don't have kids one year apart) meant that I was rather frantically running between the two classrooms, randomly abandoning one kid or the other at critical junctions while carrying Jake, who didn't want to be carried, and generally failing everyone. Good thing that my kids don't yet realize how terribly uncool some woman in spandex pants sweating through her shirt with no make up on is. That will come. I was a hot mess of sweat and failure, and funny. I might have bothered me a year or two ago.....now it was just hilarious. It is what it is .

We were trapped in some miasma of terribleness last week. We have had 6 straight days of clouds......4 of them replete with torrential rains. Epic flooding in our state. The weather conspired to ruin all of our fun plans with friends......the zoo, Tyler, playdates, photos....all washed away. I lived in Wa St for 6 years. It rained. I know rain. Nate makes fun of me because I hate, loathe, eschew umbrellas. Just don't get the allure of carrying some wet thing around, I'd rather just get wet. It is different with kids. We were housebound. We did yoga. A lot of yoga.

This is what yoga looks like with three kids. Seriously, if anyone reads this, do yoga with your kids. Sanity saver. Luke is totally into it. He can lead me through a simple asana at this point, and he really loves it.

I'm having one of those moments

Where I am sitting here weeping giant sobbing tears for a child that I don't know. I'm looking through the photos of a beautiful vibrant 5 year old local child/family who is battling a rare and aggressive brain cancer, and I can't breathe.

I don't know why things like this happen, but it wrenches my heart out. I just put my three kids to bed and now every fiber of my being longs to gather them all up and tuck them safely under my wings and sleep with them. I wish love was enough to keep everyone dear to me safe and healthy.

Sometimes this Mother's heart/love part of parenting feels like too much of a burden to bear. There is no option but to love these people fiercely and to hope and believe the best, I suppose. It hurts to love this much. It just hurts.

Jake is missing his siblings.

I've shown him these little videos every day. He is loving all the attention from Mom and Dad, but I can tell he misses the chaos.