It has been a good week. Getting back into the swing of things feels wonderful. The kids have felt easy, Nate is studying, I am seeing friends and working out, and all feels well with the world. We even snuck out for a date night with friends this past week which was wonderful. Nate leaves at about 5 am for his annual rewards trip to PR, comes home thursday night, then is at school Friday and Saturday. I've been hesitant to write about this as I am afraid that it might come across as mean or weird, but in some ways, we are officially at the point where it seems easier when Nate is out of town. Please understand, my husband is my very best friend and the love of my life. Of course many things are easier when we are coparenting. BUT.......in some ways, it is just easier when the kids and I can just play it loose and fast, can fly by the seat of our pants, the kids can be loud in the house as Nate isn't working, I have less laundry and less (self imposed) pressure to cook big fancy family dinners. In some ways it is easier to know that it is all on me, rather to want or expect a bunch of help that Nate is simply unable to consistently give due to his studying.
Certain things get, well, messed up when Nate is home. A prime example was a morning a couple of weeks ago. We had recently switched the bigs up from sippie cups to regular cups. We had picked up a batch of multicolored plastic cups from Ikea. Every morning we have a routine, while I pour my coffee I let the kids pick a cup. Whatever color they want, as long as they are different. These are their cups for the day. On this particular morning, I had eaten, made oatmeal, gotten the kids their food, Nate came downstairs and I went upstairs to get dressed and to get the kids clothes laid out. As I was upstairs, I heard Nate yell at Jules to get upstairs. She came up, heaving sobbing (unlike my Jules, who is fairly stoic). I ran downstairs to ask Nate what was going on (sending a kid upstairs during breakfast is a huge deal as we are on a very time defined schedule due to school in the morning, so actually works against us, rather than for us). He was upset, saying that Julia had refused to drink and had gotten upset about the color of her cup. I paused. He said "WHAT? You wouldn't let her pull that kind of thing over a cup!". And I had to take a deep breath. He was right......except, Nate didn't know the deal. He couldn't have. He didn't know that I let the kids have this control over this simple, easy thing, and had picked and poured cups for them. I knew that I had to tread carefully in my response, because he was right, in no way would I have tolerated drama about something......unless. Unless Jules was right to feel wronged, because I had set a level of expectation and control about them picking their cups. I told Nate the deal. Of course he felt frustrated, because it is always frustrating as a parent to be out of the loop, or to realize that you made a parenting decision that was ultimately in line with our methods, yet wrong in the actual instance. He was frustrated, and felt like I was correcting him. I was sad that Jules was upset, and that Nate was upset, and that I had utter clarity on what exactly went down, but didn't really know how to rectify the situation. As awkward as it was, I asked Nate to apologize to Julia. Julia simply wanted her little world as she knew it, and was right to feel wronged when she didn't get her usual choice. He didn't do anything wrong, of course, but to not know the routine. And of COURSE he couldn't have known the routine, because so much of the time, he simply isn't a part of it. This is all new to us. We are used to sharing the load, to being on the same page, to pretty seamlessly understanding the rules and boundaries. Suddenly, that just isn't so, by necessity.
It is an interesting transition. It takes some pauses on my part (pauses are not my strong point, for sure........I'm very reactionary). Ultimately all of this is great........change is good, growth is good......but transition is hard. When I am getting so used to solo parenting, it takes a mindful transition to allow Nate back into the loop, if that makes sense. It may sound jerky, but that is so not how I mean it. It just is what it is. I almost have to physically remind myself to allow him his role, but also to not expect much of him beyond what he can do due to time constraints (i.e tonight he is on his weekly call with school...the kids can hear him, can know he is home, but he can't go kiss them goodnight after I read to them). That is weird, and hard to explain to kids, sometimes. In some ways it is easier to just say "Daddy is in *wherever*".
Anyway, its a juggling act, for sure. I marvel at the changes in our lives, sometimes, and keep my mind on the prize.........life is going to feel so easy once school is over! The new reality is one that I have accepted, without reservation or regret....just some readjustment as we go. I feel sorry for Nate sometimes, and feel sorry for myself sometimes, and feel sorry for the kids occasionally.....but ultimately I know that this is all for good. Elasticity is important and grows us, as individuals and as a unit.
