Escape.

I know that there are big SUV haters out there. To you I give a giant neener neener......because instead of having to take two cars ~ two runners, two running strollers, two women, and 4 kids in giant carseats (two rear facing two forward facing) and our food for three days, we happily piled into my giant SUV for some (tempered) Thelma and Louise styled getaway. Contrary to (some) popular belief, women CAN pack, and pack well.

This is love. I am so lucky to have a best friend whose beautiful son is sharing his childhood as part of our family. They adore one another. Julia and Henry may marry, for serious.

Luke wanted to go swimming. In March. In the chilly Atlantic. Another polar bear club member may be joining the ritual, sooner than thought.

Jake was simply wind and awe struck by the entirety of it.

This photo simply IS my Julia. I have never met such a young girl so sure of herself ~ my little one is firmly and beautifully her own spirit. She loves life, and the way that she carries herself inspires me to be my most authentic self, just as she is. Julia has mastered the art of independence coupled with a compliant and nurturing spirit. She could care less what others are doing, yet she mothers all around her in a caring and sweet way. She can be fierce, and tender, and seems to have a wonderful balance of both. She is an incredibly easy child to parent, while teaching me lessons each and every day. I love her exuberance and her individuality. She knows exactly what resonates with her, enacts it, yet still exhibits a willing and compliant spirit. I wish I could be more like her. She awes me.

Luke is getting more and more expressive and creative with his writing. This one made me get teary. This kid want's to learn, and loves to learn, with very little actual guidance from me.

I want to frame this picture. This was at the Nature Sanctuary. Something about the little fervently chasing the big just melts me. The best part was right after this shot, when Luke realized that Jake was trailing behind, and turned around and came back to his brother and put his arm around him. I don't know how in the hell we are doing it, but somehow we have been blessed with children who really, really love one another. They make parenting very easy.

It was a wonderful three days in Cape May. We lucked out weather wise, catching an impossibly nice few days considering it is early March. We had to get out of dodge as Jakes room and the boys bathroom are getting painted, so it seemed easiest to simply escape. Jeannie and I didn't stop talking for a second (even when we ought to have, somewhere near the 322 exit, ahem).......and our kids had a great time playing outside in the wonders that the beach provides. I will say that this is just getting easier and easier ~ my kids entertain one another, meals are less messy, the walks are long without tired legs or double strollers, and things are just rolling. We have a long Memorial Day weekend planned, a week over the 4th of July, and the last week of July into August planned at the beach. Prior to that I hope to get down a lot in April and May, given the newfound ease of it.

I feel like I've been complainey again lately, and I apologize. I am an anxious person. I am a planner. To a T. I like things neat. I need a plan. I'm not the best at just "going with the flow".......I have always gotten frustrated by these attributes in myself, but lately I am seeing the upside. The kids are on a schedule, and the schedule means that they know what to expect, and are comfortable and secure within their world. I know what to expect, and can manipulate it when necessary to meet our needs or allow for exciting adventures. Of course they can be annoying at times, the "mom, Mom, MOM!" thing can drive me mental, but in general they are incredibly easy children. I am so proud of the way that they interact with one another, with other kids, and with other adults. I'm proud of the fact that they don't need me all day long, they rely on one another more than I could have hoped. I love the way that they love their little brother, and include him in their adventures. All in all my heart is very full tonight, so full that it is quieting my anxious mind which wants to worry about tomorrow (with a sick husband with strep) and a party to host. It will all be good. And I'll tell you what, I tend to be a bit of a scrooge about parties in general, but I could not be happier that we are having this (tiny, family only) birthday party for my Julia. She is beside herself with excitement.

To share a totally stupid aside, I let her pick her cake. We love the cakes from Clays Bakery, and they have a ridiculous on line gallery of photos. I promised her she could pick whatever she wanted. I cringed as I saw the cakes. Princesses, Princesses, tiara's, and more princesses. Laying down princesses, standing up princesses. Suddenly Jules screamed "THAT IS THE CAKE I WANT! SUPERGIRL!!!!!!!!".

So my darlin has a supergirl cake. As much fun as I would have had cutting into the face of some snowy white Disney princess, instead I get to cut into a gigantic "S" with wings. Jules, you are my supergirl, and I'm proud to know you. I immediately went on line and broke our "one birthday present" rule............I'm a rule breaker after all, and ordered her a wonder woman costume. So tomorrow at her (tiny!) family celebration my girl gets her supergirl cake, and gets to open her wonder woman costume. Next week we will go pick out her "real" present, a bike, but until then, I simply feel very content with where these kids of ours are. They are doing just fine. It seems, that SO FAR, we have managed to not screw em up, in fact, they are exceeding my expectations by leaps and bounds.

Getaways are great. End of story.

Day of the Mother and all that jazz.

So! Mothers Day.

It was a sunny, food laden, exercise filled sort of day. We got to spend time as a family, but also were lucky enough to be with Bec and Rich, Mom and Dad, Jan and Rich, Jeannie and Tim, Jimmy, Tommy, Pete, Alexis and Sam.

I'm beat. I was up early because I seem to wake early, new habit involves me being up and 6 and getting bored on the internet before the kids awake around 7. Not sure how I feel about this new habit. Going to bed earlier (tonight it may be 8:15 as Nate is away) offsets it. It works, I guess. This video is of the kids this morning. Jake is like 2 already, it seems. Just one of the crowd.

Anyway, it was a generally good Mothers Day, Jeannie and I had so much fun running in a race this afternoon and the weather was great....I am tired and off to bed.

Hope you had a great Mothers Day and that your husbands made you feel appreciated and loved!

Goals, and kids, and stupidness.

We did it!

The race was awesome. Of course, being me, I was up at 4 for the day, because I was worried that my alarm would not work at 5 (can't remember the last time I had to personally set an alarm clock.....kids have replaced early morning meetings or flights, and they are way more effective and insistent than an alarm clock ever was). All of my nervousness was gone, and I was simply excited. I pumped while I ate and downed coffee and played on the internet.......and took off for Jeannie's house.

This is the dorky part. I was driving Nate's car and listening to Casey Casum count down the top 20 from 1988 (love xm) and it was this beautiful misty red clouded sunrisey sort of morning. As I drove past the land preserve in Edgemont and was taking in the awesomeness of George Michael singing "Father Figure" (while I sang along in my horrible voice at the top of my lungs) and witnessed the beauty of where I live in the lovely foggy bright dawn moments.....I started crying! I felt positively overwhelmed ~ so grateful to be awake at 6 am, to be driving to my best friends home, to be healthy, to have pumped milk secured for my still sleeping baby in a bottle (that he takes!) to have a husband who was going to watch our children all morning so that I could run, to have won a free entry into the race, to have the luck and health and luxury of participating in events like I was about to....it was all just too wonderful. I thought about being 36 weeks pregnant on the day of this event last year, and thinking "that would be cool to do next year....." and here I was, doing it. I felt so, so lucky.

The race was awesome. The energy of 30,000 people was intoxicating. I felt high. I didn't even notice that I was running for most of it!

The thing that I remember most clearly was the 9 mile marker. I was running up the left side of the street, and there was this whole gaggle of little girls all dolled up and holding signs above their sweet little heads reading "GO MOMMY! YOU CAN DO IT!" and I promptly burst into tears. The sight of these sweet girls cheering on their Mama, (and every Mama, in my case) was just too much for me. I thought of my Julia, I thought of my Luke (who called me as I got out of the car in center city and told me to "win the race, Mama!") and I just felt so uplifted. I think that little girls who grow up watching or cheering for their Mama as she accomplishes her own goals (however trivial they may be) are lucky. Jules, those little girls (and you) served as my impetus for the sub 7 minute mile I clocked from mile 9-10. You drove me. I hope that you enact every single dream that you hold dear, my girl.

We had so.much.fun. I had a goal in mind (this was my first ever race of anything like this distance so I had no idea what to expect) and I beat it, so that thrilled me. We had a wonderful brunch with 15 post race runners/spouses afterwards, and I felt all glowy and happy and simply lucky. Some days are just perfect, and this was one of them.

I picked up some salmon at Hill's on the way home, and arrived home around 2 to find Nate relaxing on the couch as all three kids slept. I gushed on and on about the race, and was so happy to hear that they had watched it on TV looking for me. We had a wonderful night as a family, one of those nights where I just felt uniquely aware of all of the joy in my life and held them closely.

I never imagined myself as a runner, but that day I felt like one. The kids proudly trotted my medal around all night and talked about the race. I think that the reason that I run is to show them, in an easy and definable way, that exercise is awesome. That being strong is great. That it is okay to set goals (whether they are having a homebirth or running a race) and to simply do your best. Sometimes your best may not work out in the way you envisioned it, and sometimes it may work out beyond your wildest dreams.

The key is in believing. The key is in taking the risk. The key is hope, and faith, and trust. The key is also in acceptance, that sometimes the work is enough, not the result. On this day, the work paid off. And I am reveling in it.

Feeling the beat.

It's dance party central around these parts lately. The kids demand "Music Mama! I wanna DANCE!" no less than three times a day lately. Its a very innovative sort of dance, very little structure, lots of soul. It usually involves running in loose circles, occasionally colliding, and when a collision has NOT happened recently enough for their liking, they simply create one and fall to the ground together in a heap of laughter.

In other news, I got to hear a different beat today ~ the heartbeat of our newest family member. I had seen it, 4 or 5 weeks ago, but had not heard it until today. Today was my first appointment with our new midwife. It was fantastic. Rather than the ole "wait for an hour to pee in a cup to get weighed to get your head patted and a "see you in four weeks" slap on the bottom (okay, no bottom slaps or chest bumps actually happened)" we had an hour long appointment. We had a cup of tea. Blood was drawn and bathroom cups were utilized but the weight thing and the dismissive "how are you, see you in 4 weeks" routine was supplanted with actual interest and shared joy/excitement over the wonder of pregnancy. Its a very different feel, and one that I very very much longed for. I feel confident that Nate and I and this baby are in the right hands and exactly where we are meant to be as we wait for this new life who will be joining our family.

Almost an hour into our lovely appointment, she asked if I would like to hear the babies heartbeat. "OF COURSE!" I replied. She got out the Doppler, and paused right before she went to place it on my belly. "You know at this point in pregnancy its only 50/50 that we will find it easily via Doppler. "Of course!" I replied (out loud). In my head I was saying "La la la la laaaa of course we will find it right away I always found it right away in my last two pregnancies when I rented a Doppler in the early weeks now put the thing on my belly and let me hear my baby!".

She tried for about two minutes and said "well, you are measuring ahead, everything looks great, I think that the baby just has a lot of room in there to hide from us ~ we will hear it next time". That is what she said out loud. What I HEARD was "well your baby is most likely dead inside your gigantic cavern of a uterus and what a fool you were to think that you could feel this great in your first trimester and have nothing be wrong you silly little moron". So I kept on my smiley face, and said "Oh, totally, I know. Its disappointing but I am sure we will hear it next time" as inside I said "Everything is terrible and I wish Nate was here".

I got in the car and called Nate. I told him. I managed not to cry. Much. Then I remembered that one of my best friends is pregnant. And that that friend had rented a Doppler. And so I called that friend. And I admitted to my moment of pregnancy insanity/insecurity. And I asked if I might come over that night and try to listen for my baby. My dear darling friend, knowing the utter insanity that an event like not hearing your babies heartbeat could create, insisted that I go to her house immediately, go in her door and use her Doppler, even though she wasn't even home. I didn't even bother saying the polite "are you sures?????".....I just went. Jules and I drove to the other end of the Earth from my appointment, and raced in my girlfriends house. The SECOND I put the Doppler on my belly I heard the most beautiful sound on Earth. The baby quickly flitted away from the Doppler, and it took a few minutes to find it again. I called Nate with some happy tears on my face and let him know that all was well.

So now I picture this tiny baby having a BALL inside my gigantic playground of a "measuring ahead" uterus. Flip around and have a ball and hide from me all you like baby ~ all too soon you will be cramped and jutting out of my belly in all manner of odd angles as you jostle for position in there. I promise it.

Our newest babe scared me today. And while you can say all of the "don't worries" in the world, no one, NO ONE knows worry like a pregnant Mother, even a (relatively) relaxed, been there before one like me.

I'm thrilled with our new caregiver. I'm thrilled to know that our baby is safe and growing. I'm especially grateful for Jeannie, and her generosity and compassion today in the face of my fear. I can't wait to see our babies playing together a year from now as we shake our heads and laugh at all of our pregnancy worries and fears.

Dem Flowers

A PSA from Jules.

It may be trite, but it sure is true.

Don't forget to smell the flowers. Life is short, and friendships make life beautiful.

Happy birthday to Jeannie, and Jenna, and Dee ~ And thank each of you for the celebrating that we got to do with you over this indulgently social and gloriously weathered holiday weekend. We love you all!

CONGRATS AUNT JEANNIE

The entire M family is thrilled for you ~ You are going to make a beautiful bride and a wonderful wife. Wishing you and Tim all of the blessings and happiness in the world. You have so many years of love and laughter ahead of you, and we cant wait to share them with you. I am so thrilled and honored to be a part of your big day!

We love you! Congrats!!!