Waving goodbye.

It's the end of an era.

Jake is weaned.

5/13/2006-1/27/2012. I bid thee farewell, with nothing but the fondest of memories.

This means, that for the first time since May of 2006, I am no longer pregnant, pregnant and nursing, or just nursing.

We went on vacation recently. The night before we left, I took my 20 month old Jakers up to bed. I did so with tears in my eyes. I did so knowing that as much as I believe that he would have taken right up where we left off......I was done.... and he was going to be okay with being done. He was ready.

I took him up. I put on his PJ's. I purposely left my computer (which is often our nursing companion in the post dinner pre bigs chaos) behind. I sang to him. I rocked him. I inhaled all of the lovely round sweet smiley Jakeness that is my boy. I sat there, after a bit, letting his giant body overwhelm mine, and just let him nurse. I found myself nostalgic. I don't remember the specific "last nurse" with my other kids. But I knew, I just knew, that this trip would be it, because I felt that we were both going to be okay with entering a new era in our relationship. As I stared straight ahead, lost in my daydream of the journey of our nursing relationship.........I felt a touch on my left cheek (He was nursing on the right). Jake had reached up, grabbed my chin, and gently turned my face down towards him. He looked me straight in the eye, while nursing, and gave me his crinkle eye upturned corner of the mouth smile. Tears leapt to my eyes. He looked at me, all smiley eyed and lovely ~ and he touched my nose with his pointer finger. Then he touched his nose. And I heaved out a little gasp of a sob. Then he touched his eye, then my eye. Ears were next. And while I think that we was going for tummies next, he touched my heart, then his heart. I'm sobbing just writing this. My gentle boy, my little sweet, intuitive soul, thanked me in a way that I could have spent years coming up with. It was a moment in my life I will never, ever forget.

I don't nurse my babies because I think that it is the best thing ever. I have been very fortunate in that it has come easily to me. And in the same way that others have empathy for my difficulty in birthing babies despite my fervent wishes.........I have an endless empathy and love for those who fervently wished to nurse but despite their best efforts could not.

I don't take my luck for granted, or credit myself for it for one hot second.

I do treasure and respect and revere the fact that despite all of the things that I can't control, nursing went swimmingly well for us. Jake knew nothing other than my milk, and our relationship was effortless.

I will never, ever forget that moment. I will be some batshit old lady on crazy meds telling the uncaring ward how my baby made me look at him that last day. How my nose and his nose were friends. How my heart and his heart were in sink. And mostly, how a little 20 month old, could sense his Mama's sorrow and nostalgia........and validate it with a smile. I feel like he thanked me, and freed me, in that one simple gesture.

Jake is a special kid. And this was and will be one of the more special moments of my life.

Jake, I love you, and I thank you. I have spouted off a bunch of well meaning garbage about nursing being a relationship......but until this moment I never really considered the other side of the street. Relationship takes two. And without the gift that Jake gave me, I might never have known the power that a "last nurse" could hold. Thanks, sweet, sweet intuitive baby.

First Haircut!

The mullet. This does not adequately capture the one lovely curl that he had, but he had one. I have proof, as I am the dorky overly sentimental Mom who saves their first haircut hair. My Mom did the same, and I know that there is no purpose to it, but I admit that I have looked at my first haircut hair several times over the past 30 or so years. So, its in an envelope. He will probably never have another curl, but I have definitive proof that he did, indeed, have one at one point.

Post haircut, so grown up!

He just looks like such a big boy to me now! I love it!

With holiday extravanganzapoluzza upon us, I decided that it was time to bid adieu to Jake's mullet. I admit that I don't like baby mullets, and we were getting to that point. So, on a whim, I gave him his first cut on Friday morning. Ever the perfect gentleman he sat perfectly still and enjoyed his first trim on the kitchen floor. He looks like a little man!

I thought I might be sad about my "baby" looking less like a baby....but have to admit that I find myself way less sentimental about all of this growing up stuff than I thought I might be. I'm glad. (Although, don't get me started about my reaction walking into Luke's soon to be Kindergarten, or how emotional I was watching his pre-K Christmas program). For some reason seeing Luke hit his big kid milestones is more emotionally difficult for me than watching Jake do the same, and I completely thought that it would be the opposite. Anyway, introducing the new big man Jake!

18 Months!

My silly boy, post bath. We have a new winter routine of hour long baths after his nap and while the older kids sleep. I read and Jake plays and occasionally walks over and gives me long hugs, it is lovely. My boyfriend.

My sweet baby boy turned 18 months old last week. I am infatuated with the little man. This is just such a fun, easy stage. He eats, sleeps, and has suddenly shifted from "the baby" to "one of the kids". I don't know exactly what did it ~ if it is his suddenly expanding vocabulary, or his command of receptive language, or just a mental shift on his part, but he seems to now self identify as a pre schooler rather than as a baby.

At 18 months you are a joy, Jakers. You are a wonderful sleeper and a wonderful eater, and you are ALLLLLL your Daddies personality. You are just a jolly little fellow, you don't take yourself too seriously, and you are already exhibiting a goofy and love to laugh personality that I adore. You are totally going to be the class clown ~ yet you also have this gritty little determination that I love. You don't miss a trick, Jake. You continue to be the most affectionate child I have ever met ~ your kisses and hugs are the highlight of my day.

We had his 18 month well visit today, and Jake continues to be at the tip top of the growth chart at 30 lbs and 34 inches. Watching you grow into a little boy is a joy little man, I love you.

After a crazy weekend where Nate was at school till about 6 on Saturday night, we ran in Brian's Run (a 5 mile race raising money to equip housing for newly disabled vets) on Sunday and then hosted a party afterwards! It was a great time.....but after cleaning and cooking all weekend, having 30 some people at the house and being up till almost 1 last night has led to a very, very lazy day today! I'm laying in front of the fire ~ my tired kids slept from 1-4:30 today (when I finally woke them up!) after having a great afternoon and evening with Brooke and Jackson and Carter yesterday. Due to the ridiculously long nap, I'm snuggling down in a "nest" in front of the fire with the bigs, no lights on but Christmas lights, my house clean and put back in order post party, and about to watch the Charlie Brown Christmas special on TV with my kids for the very first time! Fa la la la laaaaaaaaaaa.

Tday minus one week.

My little tank loving on his babydoll. Jake weighed in at 31 lbs yesterday, he is 17 months old. That isn't all that much bigger than Luke or Jules at this age.....but for some reason this kid feels like a bag of cement in my arms. It is bizarre how heavy Jake feels. My back is suffering.

Oh! Fall. The joy of watching these boys jump in the leaves while Julia napped and Tessa was held tightly to me in the sling was awesome. This was on Monday, when we had 70 degree weather. Jake and I got in a 6 mile run and all of us reveled in being outside in the unseasonably warm weather.

I dusted off the Bumbo (which I have been meaning to get to Bec for forever) and gave Tessa her first go at it. This kid is already rocking her stylish self, even down to the jaded look! (I was babysitting while Becca went to the gym). I love, LOVE this sweet little girl. She makes my heart beat faster ~ and as much as I love her, I love handing her back to her Mama, too.

Oh, the indignities of growing up with a big Sister!

My silly girl. Jules declared "Mama, I want to MATCH fall" the morning that she chose this vibrant ensemble. Love this girl. Still curious about where this streak of fierce femininity came from.

Life is good. I got my first holiday induced anxiety moment out of the way yesterday ( It had to come at some point, right?!). We are hosting Thanksgiving this year, then hosting a post race party the following weekend. In between I'm lining up sitters, crossing off days for things like Thanksgiving Shows (Luke's class party) Gingerbread house making (Enrichment Christmas event) and holiday parties and family commitments out the wazoo. The kids are just flat out funny these days ~ they constantly are making me turn my back so that I don't laugh and encourage the funny and innocently inappropriate things that they say.

I feel like there is this social mandate which dictates that we, as parents, not have favorites.........but I totally enjoy each kid in different ways, and occasionally find myself enjoying one kid, or one phase, the most. Right now I am just eating up Jake. He is so cute, so rotund and solid and the most wonderful juxtaposition of body and heart......his body wants to tackle, jump, roll, dive.....and his heart just wants to hug and kiss, all day long. He is getting way less messy in the highchair, sleeps so well it is almost rude of me to talk about, and his hair is really coming in.....he is just positively edible to me. He is working on a lot more words, and lives for the moment in the afternoon when I tell him "Jake, go wake up Luke and Jules". He RUNS up the steps, laughing, and goes to each door, THROWS it open exuberantly, and wakes up his sister and brother (this is at 3:45 or 4..........they are still napping till then 4 or 5 days a week, other days they wake up at 3 or so.). He giggles when he nurses, he dives into bed at night, and he is my running and bubble bath partner. Sometimes I feel like Jake and I date :) Like we have this secret life apart from Luke and Jules and Nate ~ this time when everyone else is at school or at work or napping and it is just he and I, doing funny grown up things together.