Oh Gratitude.

 This picture is precious to me. Grandma made this beautiful lamp for Julia. 

 Backstage

 With Clara!

 My Angel 

 The Solstice tree

 Magic

 Delight

 Wonder

Delight. 

We had our extended party last night (the pig). Our immediate party tonight (the seven fiishes). 

I'm behind.. ...

Silence.

I can't touch it.

The beginning  is the place of wonder. The place of innocence. And the last is the place of after where it was all gone wrong. I can't write about it yet.

We had to put on a fake face

And we were just SICK, sick about our world. I can't touch it yet.

A horrible thing happened in my childrens world and I cant yet wrap my own mind around it, so I can't even write about it yet. The world is sick, and yet we are supposed to do advent. I havent been able to do it. I can't do it. I can't talk to my babies about it and I cant spill my heart here. I just can't.

We survived it!

Two straight weeks of Nate away, and we made it :)

He popped in for about 18 hours last weekend, enough time for us to entertain that night, and me to take the bigs to a birthday party on Sunday, then he showed his face again this Thursday for a few hours (literally, he was up all night studying and left in the AM), so that I could duck out for a girls night, but on saturday at about 4 we officially got Nate back for at least the next 3 weeks or so. I mean, he is still going to be working, but he is done with school until after the new year.

It was a wild two weeks.

Part of me has become so accustomed to being alone that I admit to being a little worried about co-parenting again. I am a little ashamed about my calendar for the coming weeks. Orpheus club Tuesday night with the girls. We are in DC for Riverbeds Christmas party on Friday night together, but after that it is like a litany of women's events. Julia and I are going to see the Nutcracker at the Kimmel center downtown that Sunday.... a cookie exchange here, a girls night there, a brunch with the ladies here, dinner there.......I blushed in telling Nate my schedule. It's natural, right? I mean, I can't act as though my support system suddenly doesn't exist when they are my very lifeblood, but its weird to recognize how truly different Nate and my life is at the moment. Its wild. It's great, as without this I think that one or both of us would be miserable, but when he gets a break in his life I can't just call time out on mine. Luckily he is wonderful and wise and generous and supportive of me...........but after so many years of us just being "US" it is weird to see how "you" and "me" we are! Not emotionally, if anything school has made us more "US' as we work together if separately towards the same goal, but our schedules may not necessarily reflect that :)

The kids. Julia is going to be an angel in her pageant at school. In her words:

"Not a PRETEND angel! A REAL angel! With a COSTUME!"

Luke is FINALLY in his groove with school. No more issues, and he seems to be thriving on being a "good kid", he hasn't had a "yellow light" or any issues in a couple of months. Big sigh of relief.

Jake is a ball of snot. He has been for 2 months. He isn't sick. At all. Jake is headed for tonsil and adenoid surgery, as soon as I can get it for him. Jake's snoring is a HUGE issue. The poor kid is the biggest, healthiest, SNORIEST SNOTTIEST kid I have ever seen. After talking to two different friends who had kids who seemed to be the exact same way and who told me IDENTICAL stories about how the surgery changed their kids lives, I am hell bent on getting this done for my poor Jake. Hearing him breathe through his sleep is literally painful.

He is the happiest, huggiest, kid I have ever met. He is a joy. He sleeps like a dream, he complies, he is just easy. Again, I have no interest in being pregnant or any of that again, but if I could somehow just clone Jake, I would do it in a second (but with smaller adenoids, poor lovie).

Life is good. We are not all that crazy, thanks to our adherence to three gifts/kid, amazon prime (I will get back to all local shopping next year, when I hope to have conned the school into getting Julia into AM kindy and having Jake in Preschool 3/week. Do you know what that means people. DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, PEOPLE?????THREE MORNINGS ALONE????? )

Anyway. Not really digging the cold but I guess it is what it is. Nice week ahead with the long lost Nate home with us. I hope I still like him :) :)

I love this little face.

Luke's Kindergarten picture.

It's DECEMBER!

 Old fashioned christmas parade 2012 style ;). Nate was at school and literally up until the day of I was having mixed feelings about trying to attend it without him. Luckily Jeannie and Tim were able to join us for dinner and ride with us into town/help us, and we had a great night attending the parade :)

I love this blurry pic as it somehow aptures the whirlwind of the parade and Jules high fiving the WCU Ram

 The first day of advent. We were able to facetime with Nate as he was eating breakfast at school by the time that we roused from bed after our late night, and he was able to watch Luke open day one's capsule. It said "BREAKFAST WITH SANTA!!!".....and off we went to the West Chester Senior Center for a fun filled breakfast. I feel like I keep saying it lately, but things are just so much easier lately. Going to something like this a year ago alone with the kids would have been just not that much fun.... and this year it was a blast. Maybe some of it is mental, knowing that in just a few short months we will be an intact family again, but for now, it's working. I'm doing the things that make Christmas fun for the kids, even when Nate can't participate, and they are fun for me too, rather than exhausting. Good stuff. 

 Day two of advent read "Get a CHRISTMAS TREE AND GO TO LYDIAS BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!". It was a big day. It's so fun having these things all be a surprise to the kids. Julia was literally jumping around with joy. Love it. Love too seeing them talk about and remember and enjoy the ornaments, to see them start to have sentimental attachment to the kids like they do to Nate and I. Isn't this the creepiest fake elf ever? My kids have been asking why we don't have an elf on the shelf (don't get me started on that, to me its like the ultimate Jesus.........watching you.......always........judging..) but that would be a post that would probably alienate everyone I know..........(plus honestly I just get so bored with extra work things like that!) so anyway I told my kids that we didn't invite the elf into our house because they are so good and so kind that they don't need extra elfin monitoring to see if they can get gifts or not ~ they are going to get gifts just like they are going to give gifts, because they love people and people love them and that is what Christmas is about. Sharing with others, and being loved, not being bribed into temporary compliance. 

 El tree. She is a big un! This is our biggest and prettiest tree that I ever remember, and it smells better than any I remember. Nate put the lights on and was like "how does it look?" And I said "Great!" and then when he was watching football I snuck three more strands of lights onto it. :) Our house is currently sporting 6, yes SIX, christmas trees, this one, one in our family room, two in our dining room, and one in Luke and Julia's bedrooms. A huge wreath on the front door, one in the foyer, one in the bathroom, and one on the back porch door, and we have it goin on around here. We have to put up the outside lights, which is generally Nate's department, but he leaves for San Ant tomorrow and is gone through next Sat afternoon (rare back to back school weekends)...so I may try my hand at out door light decorating myself tomorrow or tuesday. The weather is supposed to be in the 60's so why not? It may be like an elfen display with no lights above 5 feet high with my limited reach....but whatever. Its DECEMBER! 

 The foyer

 Julia marvels at the tree

The dining room. 

We had a late night of entertaining last night and have been on the go all day between getting the tree, a birthday party, and decorating the tree tonight. I am WIPED OUT. 

It is crazy how much fun, yet how exhausting how much this decorating business is! I don't even want to think about the fact that in a few weeks we will be undoing all of this doing, but whatever. The kids excitement is contagious. I hope that you are all busy enjoying your homes in whatever fashion you choose....

Keeping up.

Jake hiking at Tyler Arboretum over Thanksgiving weekend. I ran into friends this morning who have two kids a similar age to Luke and Julia, and a baby of about 10 months. They asked if going from 2-3 really threw us, if it felt impossible. I had to think about it, and remembered that yes, it really did feel impossible at times when Jake was a baby....but now that he is just one of the gang, life is really easy. It is amazing what a difference there is between having three KIDS vs. two kids and a baby. 

Our first snow of the season. Puny, but enough to make for a cozy afternoon of softly falling snow, christmas music, house decorating, and hot chocolate. 

Jeannie and Tim and I went to see Anne Lamott, one of my favorite authors! I was thrilled to get to meet her in person, and hearing her was inspirational and wonderful. 

The kids hard at work decorating Christmas presents. This year they are my elves, and will be decorating all of our Christmas presents. They were hard at work decorating gifts for a boy we are sponsoring through the Delaware Valley Childrens Charity. This year is the first year where they really seemed to "get" it, and took a lot of pleasure and time and concern in picking out gifts for the child. They carefully helped decorate and wrap his presents, and will help deliver them on Monday. In this season of so much getting, we are trying our hardest to keep a lot of focus on giving.  Our new advent calendar is providing a fun new way to incorporate random acts of kindness, more on that later.

They are good little elves, eh? 

Thanksgiving 2012

 Wednesday afternoon pie making, our annual tradition. Julia joined in this year. At almost 5, she is quite the baker already. 

 Our family, with me making weird face. 

 Julia and her cousin Samantha, who broke her arm a few days before Thanksgiving. 9 Months apart and best buddies. 

 Yes, this is a preview of our Christmas card. I used to be all excited and secretive about that stuff, but I don't care, I love the picture too much to hoard it :) I love these little people and they truly are my joy.

 I feel like this is one of the few photos I have of Nate and I together in MONTHS. It was so nice to spend the entire weekend together, though he did have to spend all day Friday and Saturday studying. We got a hot date in on Saturday night at the home of good friends, and spend much of Sunday lazing around and then finally motivating to get the fall decorations put away and the Christmas decorations started. We put up the small fake tree in our family room and are excited to get the real tree this coming Sunday. Nate has school the next two weekends in a row (groan)....but then is officially done module 4 and ON HIS FINAL MODULE! I can say with certainty that we are in the home stretch, folks.

 The women of the DiLullo clan. 

It was a beautiful Thanksgiving, filled with great food, great weather, and great time spent both as and with family. I feel nervous about the upcoming Christmas season as I watch the calendar fill quickly ~ I am doing a lot of deep breathing exercises, yoga classes, and dance party, and reminding myself that it all always, always works out.

I hope everyone is feeling thick in the waist, and loved, after this weekend of thanks. I know I am :)

We are grateful.

 I have a confession. I really am not impressed with Luke's Kindergarten situation. We are grappling with decisions about his education at the moment, and at times they strike me as huge.......and at times they strike me as ridiculous. As someone who went to public school through 5th grade (and LOVED it) and then went to private school (and HATED it) ((double disclaimer that I remain eternally grateful for said private school for introducing me to my soul sister and sanity keeper and forever friend Jeannie))....and am hitched to a wonderful product of public education......we were very married to the idea of public school for our kids. We are in a great school district. We are suffering through a bad teacher situation. Luke is in a class of 16. AWESOME! AWESOME! But the situation just isn't awesome. And we are struggling. Pushing and pulling against one another, and against the God awful cost of private education, let alone the stigma, we are exploring our options. I can tell you that this decision is rending my soul in many ways, which I won't even get into. Luke had to camouflage his turkey, and I think this is pretty cool. I think that Luke is super cool. And I think that Luke can be super cool wherever he is......but a parents soul desire to foster a child's innate and full capability is strong, too. And I can tell you that it is a challenge to know how to best support ones child, and ones desires for ones child.....period. Ever. Always. Amen. Shit.  

 As a reward for Luke's good behavior at school he was treated to a weekend ALONE in Cape May with Mom Mom and Pop Pop. He was beside himself. My big boy sometimes misses out on the rewards of being the big guy as he and Jules are more like twins than older and younger sibs. He came home so happy, so relaxed, so confident, and it was wonderful to have him back. I swear he was taller and like 2 years older, but whatever. They brought back fresh shrimp......which the kids devoured before Nate woke up from his 3pm Sunday well deserved nap on the couch. 

 My Jules at her Thanksgiving program at school. It was lovely. They had made us homemade applesauce and pumpkin bread, and treated us to a wealth of songs. While I would like to say that I can't believe that this sweet girl will be in K next year the truth is that I can't believe that she isn't in it already. She's a smarty, this one. A good cook, too! The funny thing is that for as much as she loves to play teacher or rule the roost around the house, she is surprisingly shy in front of a crowd~ the songs that she had been belting out around the house or serenading us with at night time (I'm in bed and I hear her singing to her self in her room :))......she was shockingly demure in front of the huge gathering of parents and grandparents. Thanks to my Mom babysitting and hanging out with Luke (who had no school ALL WEEK, WTH???) while Jake napped, I was able to attend. 

 Right? More to come on this. I was busy spray painting these letters today after pie making today. 

Two apple and two pumpkin and my little pumpkin joined the annual tradition as a non nursling for the first time! I love my family, and I miss my Stroudsburg family. We got to talk to Grandma today, and Jules one girl cousin on the Mangan side tonight, as we prepare for tomorrow. Our turkey is rubbed and ready for the fryer, the cranberry chutney just finished, and the brussels will be made tomorrow. I got to do some shopping this morning (for clothes! yay!) and then our lovie Brooke came over so that I could make her butternut squash soup for/with her for her Thanksgiving with her family tomorrow. Truly, she is a part of our family. Nate took the kids out to lunch while Brooke and I got to enjoy some time alone ~ I love her like a sister. Everyone ought to have a babysitter/caregiver who is a part of their family. I place her highly this year when I count our blessings.

Its a mixed bag for sure, eh?

The hip is a sticking point. I feel like my life has revolved around it.........good and bad. I have known my friends ~ received so so so much love. I have suffered. I won't lie. I have been very humbled.

In humility I have found empathy. And anger (a lot of anger). And strife. And confusion. And pie. I love pie. And I have found dance party!!! And I have found some quiet.....some quiet with my kids. I'm tryin. MAN, am I tryin. And failure. I'm finding failure in spades. And, its okay. It's just life, and I'm livin it as best I can. And we are doing pretty damn good. My kids amaze me. They outshine me.

I love you all. I love everyone who is trying, and who is humble enough to admit that they are trying.

Happy Thanksgiving. Friends. I don't know if anyone reads this anymore. If you do, Peace. To you and yours.

A sweet reprieve.

 I feel like an Elephant after the weekend away, Sandy, the party, the post party fall out, and this weekend. Oy. We decided on a whim to set out to the zoo this morning......and it was a wonderful decision. I have felt terrible guilt about my lack of excursions due to the whole broken hip drama, which took us right into the school year, in which we don't have long enough mornings to venture into the city. With Nate being tied up on so many Saturdays due to school, our family excursion ratio is in the el sucko zone. Today was a gem of a day. Truly, a gift. Beautiful weather, the kids just so fun and joyful, and me mobile enough to enjoy our romp around a relatively uncrowded zoo. Mad blessings.

 Trail of the lorax. Seriously, I know I'm way biased, but aren't they cute? They are just best of best friends and I love watching them experience the world. They thrill me. 

 Giraffes. Are there any weirder creatures on earth? Maybe Rhinos? We got treated to both walking around and doing their thing........the kinds and us were equally spellbound. 

 Ain't he so stinking cute? I am so lucky to have married a wonderful man. I can't wait till his school is done with and he is all ours again. 

The monkey exhibit

Some days are just golden. Just glistening serendipitious lucky and good. Today we woke up without a plan, and somehow ended up at the zoo. It was a perfect day. 

The kids are just getting easier and easier as they get bigger, making trips like this more fun than work. 

Tomorrow promises more of the same as we are Tyler bound with Jeannie and Henry and a forecast of 65 and sunny. 

Today, 11/11, was also my Mom Mom's birthday. We miss her terribly. I feel like she was smiling down on us, today, and like her namesake, my Julia, is keeping her spirit and her joy alive.