After a relatively relaxing holiday, it was a shittastic re-entry into real life. Luke got a high fever on Sunday. Monday morning found him not at school with his sister, but at the Pedi with a diagnosis of a double ear infection and strep throat. With a 104 fever, my poor man was listless and wan. He is such my big boy that I forget what a baby he still is in many ways, being sick reinforces this. I can't really complain, this is our first illness since last Spring, and thankfully he actually got through the holidays healthy....but it started off the whole "Get back into the swing of things" with a definite limp.
Sunday and Monday I didn't leave the house but to take Luke to the Dr. Tuesday I let him watch a show and snuck out with Jake and Jules to work out (Nate was working at home, obvs), but was home the rest of the day. I have to tell you, for a "Stay at home Mom" I completely and totally hate staying at home. I mean, I super hate it. I stink at it. I don't like it. We NEED to be out on the move, because being home is incredibly hard. The problem? Sweet Jake. The bigs are at such a wonderful age ~ pretty much all they want to do is puzzles and games and art projects.....I really think that they could go weeks without TV and not miss it. But. But there is this gigantic 19 month old who thinks he is 3 and wants to be involved in EVERYTHING.......and involvement looks a lot like Godzilla, at this point. It is illegal to cage him. Duct tape is unethical. So I'm a bit at a loss. Jake thinks that I am cool amazing when he wants to nurse, or when I am working hard to cook dinner, or at bed and nap or grocery shopping time.....but the rest of the day I am a distant third to his sibs. He loves them. And they love him. But I don't love the dilemma that all of this love presents. Jake tries to play, he does, but he simply lacks the mastery to do a 60 piece puzzle, he doesn't really understand "share" when it comes to coloring books, and he destroys games.
Anyway, after three days in the house I was pacing around like a caged beast.
Luke, my sweet Luke, was feeling it a bit too. He went straight from sick mode into impossible mode. And all felt ugly. I felt ugly, the kids seemed like jerks, and my job felt impossible hard. I felt off kilter and a little lost in my own life/routine. I cried Wednesday and Thursday night as I went to bed, feeling sure that I was ruining my children and probably myself as well.
Friday. Ah, Friday. Nate is back at school. I got up and had a lovely morning with the kids. I was driving them to school and rooting around in my center console.....and lost my breath when I discovered my CAMERA! It has been lost since August. I had given up, and as a new one isn't in the budget right now, resigned myself to awful indoor photos courtesy of iPhone. This was good, this was really good. I took the kids to school, then met friends for a 6 mile run. After 5.5 miles in the cold, Jake had had enough, and was screaming. To the car we went, then to the grocery store. I hadn't been in almost two weeks, which was a record. I got through everything, then remembered that I needed yeast. Because I am a glutton for punishment, I decided recently to begin baking bread from scratch. Not quick breads, which we make weekly, but real bread. If you know me you know what a terrible awful masochistic endeavor this is. I hate being exact, and baking is all about being exact. Anyway. I forgot the dang yeast. So back to aisle 10 I went. While I was pawing through the yeasts trying to find the type I needed, Jake reached back into the cart and upended a dozen eggs. They went flying up in the air. One landed on the floor. 11 landed in my cart. I spent 2 hours unpacking and washing those damn groceries. But as I stood there, raw egg all over my hand, and my baby, and my food, I just started to laugh. This was egg. Just some damn egg. This was not leukemia. This was not "a mass". This was a baby who got egg all over my stuff. My stuff which I am so lucky to be able to procure. Just stuff. Stuff that washes off. So, in that moment of mess, I refound my center. I'm not ruining my kids. I'm not terrible at this (just moderately bad). I was off balance, is all. Reentry from Nate being off is really no different than reentry from vacation....and both are the suck. We had a lovely afternoon at the gym (where I finished my run with another 6 miles), a peaceful and easy dinner and an hour of "loud time!" in the kitchen after dinner. We laughed a lot. I felt myself take my first true deep breath since New Years. I snuggled down with the kids as they watched a show, and we made grand plans for a pizza dinner and ice cream and easel painting for family night on Saturday when Nate gets home. I apologized to them for being frazzled. They forgave me with graciousness and giggles. And I tucked myself into bed at 8:30, with a joyful sigh.
In time capsule news, I plugged my camera in, eager to solve the mystery of when it was lost. There was just one new photo on it, and this was it. Can you guess? It was Nate's first day of school, back in the first week of August. He was leaving for almost a week for his intensive. I had forgotten making him a special little breakfast of eggs and toast and fruit....and my pounding nervous heart.....and this picture brought it all rushing back. Ironic, that this is when it was lost. In a sense, that was the day that everything changed. It is all good change, but damn is it change. When I get down on myself I need to give myself some grace ~ we are over 20% done this adventure, but we are deep, deep in this thing. My job is extra hard right now, and I have to remember that feeling like a failure is unfortunately going to happen, especially during this time of bearing an extra load (just like Nate is). We are going back to daily yoga afternoons, to more books, to less cleaning on my part, and easier dinners. When it all feels too big I need to remember that the power to make it smaller lies with me.
I feel balanced again, and ready to go. And I already hate bread making. I have my first "yeast sponge" in the fridge just waiting for me to mess it up today :) And yes, that sounds unfathomably gross.
Surprise! I snuck out of "family night" at Nova to attend a little surprise birthday girls night for one of my best friends. Erin and I had a lot of fun planning this night for our much loved friend who was celebrating her 40th birthday. As the restaurant was right near the Conference Center where Nate's MBA program is held, Brooke brought the kids home from the family night party and spent the night here, and I got to spend the night with my husband who I've been missing so terribly! It was a great night as I got to both celebrate my friend, and celebrate my family.
