We all take in a high school base ball game one lovely afternoon at the park. Everyone was smitten. Jules was sitting by my side in the grass as we cheered on strangers one warm afternoon.
I make the mistake of talking to Nate in my one opportunity that day.....and Jake takes exception to having my attention being divided, and deplates his lasagna. This was super annoying, as it led up to a post de-lasagna bath where in his naked time he saw fit to pee on the floor for the first time, then POOP on the floor (all within about 1 minute while I was grabbing his pajamas and his potty was downstairs).....and walk around Luke's room with a turd implanted to his foot. Pure glamor, this SAH life is, pure glamor.
A super fun super hero birthday party with my bigs. Things are tough when "only" having two kids feels like a vacation for me.
Luke, crushing the ball, at his first T-Ball game. I knew he would be super into it, as he loves baseball.....but my Julia SHOCKED me by being TOTALLY into it. Like, in fielders position, hitting the ball each at bat, and tagging people out! To date Jules has exhibited little interest in most sports, so it was shocking and awesome, to me. Their first game was a blast (Big thanks to the Reed's for coming with us!) and we are looking to this Friday where not only Daddy can attend, but Mom Mom and Pop Pop and Aunt Becca and Uncle Rich as well!
So, I have sucked at blogging. It is entirely my own fault. My kids have been great, and easy. I'm just overwhelmed with anxiety, and trying to hide it. I don't like complaining, and this isn't really complaining at this point, it's just fact.
I'm terribly anxious. Like, I can feel my heart beating out of my chest, pounding through my ribs, at times. It is a terrible, terrible, feeling. I've tried to sit down and blog, and to keep it light, or up to date, but the truth is, I'm struggling with this feeling in a terrible way.
I knew that this was a possibility with school and all, I guess I just didn't figure the new job into it, and all that that might mean. The new job is wonderful and opportunity filled.......but is killing me in the short term. Killing me. It is the best thing for both Nate and for our family.....but I feel like I'm treading water with only my legs right now. My arms are thrown up over my head in a position of surrender, and my legs are getting weak. I'm fighting myself in terrible ways. I try to deal with it by keeping us busy all the time (its been a frantic parade of friends and playdates and the PTM and parties and dinners and mornings), but ultimately it isn't working. I still feel terribly anxious.
I'm trying to exercise, I'm eating well, I'm trying to sleep well, yet this persists. The thing that is hard to write about is that it isn't the KIDS who are so hard, or who are making me anxious, it is my own nature. I want everything perfect, and I want everything in order, and the kids are totally doing their job, and are being amazing, and something within my own soul is rebelling and causing trouble. I don't know if it is simply the enormity of this task of caring for three little people mostly solo, or if it is the mania of running around trying to keep myself fit/train for a marathon, or trying to keep up with everyone and be a good caring considerate friend.....or what........but somewhere along the line I am failing terribly at keeping it all together, and it is only evidencing itself in the anxious wreck that I am.
I had a very mini car crash this week, and it hit me that of COURSE I did, because my mind is never on what I am doing, it is already on the next, or eleventieth thing on my list.
And that sucks. And I recognize it, in fact, I recognize it SO HARD, that I am trying to just find comfort and solace in my kids. In the way that they love one another. In the ways that they are so kind, so sweet, so easy. I find myself just wanting to lay down with them and read books ~ to bury myself in the sweet innocence that is them, vs. the mixed up anxious wreck that is me. So. I pour myself into them, in an effort to not let them see the tears in my eyes. In an effort to keep them from feeling my racing heart, I read more books. I give them longer baths. I revel in them. And they heal my soul, at least in the short term.
I'm struggling. I'm trying to find my way through this feeling ~ I've never felt closer to Nate, or appreciated the time I spend with him more, and I've never felt closer to my kids, or more grateful for the simplicity of their lives.....yet I've also never felt more anxious on a consistent basis.
This is hard. Really, freaking hard. So that is why I haven't been blogging. I'm running out of words, the beating of my pounding heart seems to be my new noise, and I loathe it.
