Showing up. And clarity. And stuff.

I showed up, kids. I went to CT, I made it to the final round of interviews........I lost sleep, and set up a family profile, I started interviewing Au Pairs from Mexico. I cried, a lot. I prayed, even though I'm not a very good prayer....... just for clarity. Just for the universe to make it ABUNDANTLY clear what was supposed to happen for the good of our family. And yesterday afternoon I got the call that I did not  get the position. I was not available to start until later, and they gave the position to an internal candidate who could start immediately. And I was elated. The timing of this was simply wildly not right, for a myriad of reasons. To say that the relief that I feel is palpable does not even do the emotion I am feeling justice. Have you ever had the feeling that you are have suddenly boarded a train and you can't get off, but you don't even know how you got on in the first place? That was how I felt. Here I was, in the midst of hosting this 100 plus person party, and about to get my family on a Disney cruise, and Nate traveling a lot, and finishing up end of school year stuff, and all of a sudden I am making a resume and in CT and what the WHAT? Suddenly the entire landscape of my life had shifted and I didn't know how it had happened.

Anyway. I'm proud of myself for showing up. I'm proud of myself for having an open mind to an opportunity. I'm proud of myself for putting together a fantastic sales plan, and letters of recommendation, and pulling together one hell of a good interview. I'm proud of the way I pulled out the old Melissa, and the way that the career woman is still in there, under the layers of Momdom. I didn't get the job, but, in the midst of a hell of a lot going on, I remembered that there are a lot of dimensions to me, and that if and when I decide that I WANT to go back to work, I can. If and when. And now is NOT when. And I will not take a job that will require me to travel, if and when I do ever go back. It simply will not work with our families needs. This was not the right job for me, I know that. It would not have worked, for any amount of money. I feel a new level of gratitude for my life ~ for the simple joys of what I do and why I do it. I stay home because with Nates truly demanding schedule my family NEEDS me to, right now. And I stay home because I love it, and I am very good at it. I keep our house running in a way that no one else could, right now. I love making us healthy meals, I love keeping my kids safe, and providing them with structure and routine and love that no one else could right now. I am proud and grateful to do that for our family, right now.

I have had a hard year. My KIDS have had a hard year. In the span of the past 365 days I have broken my hip and had major surgery. I have been on crutches, emotionally and physically broken. I have relied on others to watch my children and feed my family. I have held my son as he almost died. I have lived and parented without my husband for much of that year. It is time to enjoy some quiet. To enjoy having a two parent home again. To enjoy having a two person MARRIAGE again. To allow my kids to have the stability of two healthy and (mostly) present parents. There may come a time and a place where I choose to go back into the workforce (I admit that I did enjoy the rush of using my brain in that way again, briefly, the thrill of the interview, the fun of putting on the suit, the promise of an income of my own etc).....but it will be well thought out, and strategically done to the BENEFIT of every member of our family. NOT on the fly. NOT like this. I feel incredibly relaxed. I enjoyed my dance class this morning with a new passion. I'm grateful sitting here getting my car serviced. Suddenly my life feels incredibly easy!

Summer ~ here we come!!!