Spring is coming.

I feel it.

I'm sitting here at 6:15 dressed for the gym (its dance party, baby) in the pitch blackness with lovely spring tulips on the counter, and three sleeping babies upstairs. Wait, who am I kidding, three sleeping kids upstairs. I had gotten deeply into the habit of having the kids get up before me in the previous months, and lately, with a lot on my mind and on my plate (plus the benefits of the time change), I find myself taking advantage of the early hours to get some me time and some things accomplished.

This past weekend brought school and a pizza and movie night with Mom on Friday, an unexpected family night as our sitter canceled and we missed a night out with friends (and it was a blessing in disguise as we needed a family night), a great birthday party for Jake, the start of Julia's art class, the kids going to a picnic at Mom Mom and Pop Pops, a lovely afternoon with my Aunt and Great Aunt and Mom, and a Sunday family hike at Tyler as a family. The weather was beautiful and it got us all very ready to shed our winter gear and dive headfirst into spring. Our day at the arboretum was awesome and the reality of getting Nate back is making me teary ~ Just typing it just made tears come~ we have really missed him. Our family may be limping and dragging one another across the finish line towards graduation, but we are going to cross that line as a family of 5, and we are going to do it hand in hand, limping or no, damn it. I am so proud of Nate, and so proud of us, I just can't stand it. I feel proud, and sad, and sorry that we put the kids through this ~ It was NOT easy on them ~ they missed out on a lot of time with their Dad and dealt with a stressed out Mom more than they deserved to ~ and I just hope that we rebound like they deserve. Anyway, I'm rambling.

We did have an "incident". Hate incidents. First, did I write about our great incident? If I didn't on March 6th we had an awesome night out with our big 6 year old. Luke is just amazing me. He is a lover of books, a great reader and a truly gifted athlete. He is so kind and patient with his siblings. This was a birthday party year, but instead of a true party, the desire of his soul was to go to a basketball game with friends. He picked a Villanova game, and chose Jackson and Carter to go with him. We had a fun filled night and saw an AWESOME upset in a game that sealed an invite to the big dance for Nova. Luke was also up on the big screen, dancing his heart out, which was hilarious and so funny ~ what are the odds? A high five from the wildcat and a water ice put the night over the top. Jackson and Carter are truly two of the nicest boys I know, and made the night so pleasurable. So, a great birthday, and I enjoyed being with my big guy and my husband and the Reed boys. Wins all around. Anyway.

The incident. On Monday morning of this week we were about 5 minutes away from Tyler again with a picnic lunch all packed up. We were meeting Jeannie and Henry as it was again supposed to be 50. Suddenly I got a phone call to check my email ~ so I did at the light ~ and yes I'm that person.  The email was from my Dad. Apparently at the playdate on Saturday (My mom was watching my bigs while I took Jake to the party, and their cousin Sammy, 4, was also there) someone had, intentionally, scratched my Dad's car. My Dad was in Florida.) He saw the damage Monday AM, and being a get on it kinda guy, took it right to the dealer. The damage would cost $1,400 to repair. Gulp.

I immediately suspected Julia, my artist. She had the paint incident of infamy, remember? And she was the one who tagged her own wall, if you remember that one? I looked at the kids in the rearview mirror. I asked the kids. "Guys. Pop Pop just told me that someone scratched his car, and it was not an accident, but they did it on purpose. I need to know if it was you, and I need you to tell me the truth, immediately. I will not accept anything but the truth." I looked at Julia who did her big eyed truth face.

"NO Mom, It wasn't me Mom, I didn't do it Mom!"

I looked at Luke. He shrunk in front of my eyes.

"I did it Mom". I died. I admit that I started to tear up (I do this a lot).

I said "LUKE??????" "How COULD you do this? To POP POP???? The person who loves you SO MUCH? Who is SO KIND to you? Luke, WHY did you do this?"

"I don't know"

"Luke, WHY?"

"I don''t know"

"Luke, why?"

"I don't know"

"Luke, I don't know isn't an acceptable answer, I want you to explain to me WHY you did this!"

and this tiny, small voice answered me "Because I'm bad?"

And I pulled the car over and started crying.

And I said "Luke Joseph Mangan. I have known you since the moment you were born. And I know your heart. And if there is one thing, ONE THING I know about you it's that I know that you are NOT bad. You are kind. You are good, You are smart, you are loving. And you are NOT bad. You did a bad thing, yes. You may have done a dumb thing, yes. But you are NOT bad. And we are going to go tell Pop Pop, YOU are going to go tell Pop Pop what you did. And Pop Pop is going to forgive you, just like I forgive you, because nothing you ever do can make Pop Pop love you less, or Mommy love you less, okay?"

And he nodded.

So I called Jeannie and told her I was so sorry but I had to cancel. And she forgave me. And we drove straight to my Dad's office, unannounced. And he was all excited that we were there, not getting why.

And we walked into his office (my heart heavy, about to write him out a $1,400 check, ouch). And Luke whispered, "Pop Pop, I'm sorry I wrecked your car". And my Dad was shocked. (My brother, who works for my Dad had told my Dad that he thought that it was Sammy as she also has a history of "decorating" objects :)).....and my Dad was amazing. My Dad is amazing in crisis (unlike me, see above).

Anyway, I'm heartsick that I made my own child feel shame. I'm heartsick that I wanted to know WHY WHY WHY. I obviously learned nothing from the brown paintapolluza when I think I did the same exact thing to Jules. I don't even have reasons for all the dumb crap that I do at 37 and I expect a little CHILD to have reasons. I'm ashamed to even type this all out, but if I don't keep myself accountable for my terribly parenting moments I won't become a better parent, right? Plus now my kids will have an actual written record to take to their therapy sessions someday ;/.

Anyway. My kid the criminal and his abusive Mom. No, I'm kidding. My imperfect impulsive kid and his imperfect impulsive Mom who loves him. We are all doing our best, right? I asked him for forgiveness, he asked his Pop Pop for forgiveness, there were lots of hugs, and thankfully insurance is covering all but a $100 co pay. We ended up eating our picnic lunch in a small park on our way to school after the big confessional. I was proud of Luke for admitting what he had done. That took courage.

We have a big St pats celebrations this weekend. Julias big day at school next week. She had Daddy Daughter night tonight at school but Nate is out of town, thankfully her dear Uncle Rich is stepping up big time to take her, love him :). The paint is supposed to be going up in the next few days in the basement, its looking great! I think it will be done in 2.5 weeks or so ~ Crazy! I feel like all I do is dust all day and talk to contractors, I had no idea how much work and how many decisions a project of this scope would entail. We have Julia's birthday party on the 23rd, 30 coming for Easter, are hosting a dinner party the following weekend, and then are off to Hawaii for 8 luxurious days! I'm clothes shopping and busy planning the kids care now. After that is my Moms big 60th, then Nate's actual graduation, then Jakes birthday, then we are throwing Nate a big graduation party here at the house on June 1.......the invite list currently is at 150......so yeah, I'm getting a lot of practice with that deep breathing stuff! I'm taking things one tiny baby step at a time :)