Keeping it together. Sortov.

 My first time out side in about a week as I try my best to play with the kids for  little bit before they head off to the pool with Brooke. 

The Village People ~ aka Luke and Julia at a sleepover with Carter and Jackson. 

Captain Underpants. This was Jake's first excursion out of the house wearing underwear. It was a success. I'd say we are almost there. Diapers still at naptime and bedtime, of course. Jake seems pretty Meh on the whole thing but Luke and Julia think that it is the coolest thing ever and are pretty much obsessed with him using the potty/throwimg him a party every time he goes. the entire thing is hilarious. 

We are keeping on. We have had fulltime help, 8-6, every day this week. This will continue for a month. I have no idea, NO IDEA how we would be surviving without this. I am eternally grateful for the financial means to make this happen, because without it I would not be healing, our children would be miserable, we would be trapped inside the house and at one anothers throats, and, well, honestly I just don't know what would happen. I find myself in need of mad sleep. Like, I'm taking a good solid three hour nap every afternoon, and spending most of my morning in bed. I left the house for the first time since my ambulance ride this morning, briefly, as we only had Jake (Thanks Reeds for taking the kids for yet another sleepover! I can't wait to be better and return the favor one day!) and after a good PT session yesterday I wanted to reward myself with a new one piece swimsuit, goggles and a  cap as I enter the exciting world of aqua jogging and lap swimming. I will say that the mere act of crossing the parking lot in the 100 degree sweltering weather, trying on suits, paying, getting back in the car, pottying Jake, picking up the big kids, and getting back in the house left me sweating, pale, shaky and in pain. This journey towards recovery is NOT going to be a straight line, but a whole lot of ups and downs. 

Julia is the one taking it the hardest. She is out of sorts ~ She is so much like me, and this change to our routine has her a bit cranky, more unreasonable than usual, and simply not her sunny self. I feel sick about it, in fact, I feel sick about all of this, because I feel like I am totally disrupting and ruining my kids lives due to my injury. Except, I mean, I know that of course they aren't getting ruined, they are still going to the pool and seeing friends and playing games and riding bikes.....they are just doing all of it without me. And that stings a little. Okay, that stings a lot. I feel like when I'm around them I'm just this slightly worn out, slightly cranky, no fun, fragile person who can't do anything that they are used to me doing with them. GOD how I miss my runs with Jake. I miss playing baseball with Luke. I miss hopscotch with Julia. I know that its early. Its only been 11 days since surgery. I know that there are going to be good days and bad days. I know all of this. But when I am up in my bedroom, in pain, alone, and I hear my kids laughing, or watch them drive off in my car to the pool, I can admit that a selfish, bratty little part of me hurts and wants to stomp my (non broken) foot and scream "ITS NOT FAIR!". I just want my life back. I just want my kids back. Thank god for wonderful, amazing caregivers like Brooke (I would build a shrine to Brooke if it wouldn't be a little culturally strange). My kids are being loved. And that IS what matters. So I need to shut up. 

How about Captain Underpants!?!?!?!