It's dance party central around these parts lately. The kids demand "Music Mama! I wanna DANCE!" no less than three times a day lately. Its a very innovative sort of dance, very little structure, lots of soul. It usually involves running in loose circles, occasionally colliding, and when a collision has NOT happened recently enough for their liking, they simply create one and fall to the ground together in a heap of laughter. In other news, I got to hear a different beat today ~ the heartbeat of our newest family member. I had seen it, 4 or 5 weeks ago, but had not heard it until today. Today was my first appointment with our new midwife. It was fantastic. Rather than the ole "wait for an hour to pee in a cup to get weighed to get your head patted and a "see you in four weeks" slap on the bottom (okay, no bottom slaps or chest bumps actually happened)" we had an hour long appointment. We had a cup of tea. Blood was drawn and bathroom cups were utilized but the weight thing and the dismissive "how are you, see you in 4 weeks" routine was supplanted with actual interest and shared joy/excitement over the wonder of pregnancy. Its a very different feel, and one that I very very much longed for. I feel confident that Nate and I and this baby are in the right hands and exactly where we are meant to be as we wait for this new life who will be joining our family.
Almost an hour into our lovely appointment, she asked if I would like to hear the babies heartbeat. "OF COURSE!" I replied. She got out the Doppler, and paused right before she went to place it on my belly. "You know at this point in pregnancy its only 50/50 that we will find it easily via Doppler. "Of course!" I replied (out loud). In my head I was saying "La la la la laaaa of course we will find it right away I always found it right away in my last two pregnancies when I rented a Doppler in the early weeks now put the thing on my belly and let me hear my baby!".
She tried for about two minutes and said "well, you are measuring ahead, everything looks great, I think that the baby just has a lot of room in there to hide from us ~ we will hear it next time". That is what she said out loud. What I HEARD was "well your baby is most likely dead inside your gigantic cavern of a uterus and what a fool you were to think that you could feel this great in your first trimester and have nothing be wrong you silly little moron". So I kept on my smiley face, and said "Oh, totally, I know. Its disappointing but I am sure we will hear it next time" as inside I said "Everything is terrible and I wish Nate was here".
I got in the car and called Nate. I told him. I managed not to cry. Much. Then I remembered that one of my best friends is pregnant. And that that friend had rented a Doppler. And so I called that friend. And I admitted to my moment of pregnancy insanity/insecurity. And I asked if I might come over that night and try to listen for my baby. My dear darling friend, knowing the utter insanity that an event like not hearing your babies heartbeat could create, insisted that I go to her house immediately, go in her door and use her Doppler, even though she wasn't even home. I didn't even bother saying the polite "are you sures?????".....I just went. Jules and I drove to the other end of the Earth from my appointment, and raced in my girlfriends house. The SECOND I put the Doppler on my belly I heard the most beautiful sound on Earth. The baby quickly flitted away from the Doppler, and it took a few minutes to find it again. I called Nate with some happy tears on my face and let him know that all was well.
So now I picture this tiny baby having a BALL inside my gigantic playground of a "measuring ahead" uterus. Flip around and have a ball and hide from me all you like baby ~ all too soon you will be cramped and jutting out of my belly in all manner of odd angles as you jostle for position in there. I promise it.
Our newest babe scared me today. And while you can say all of the "don't worries" in the world, no one, NO ONE knows worry like a pregnant Mother, even a (relatively) relaxed, been there before one like me.
I'm thrilled with our new caregiver. I'm thrilled to know that our baby is safe and growing. I'm especially grateful for Jeannie, and her generosity and compassion today in the face of my fear. I can't wait to see our babies playing together a year from now as we shake our heads and laugh at all of our pregnancy worries and fears.
Hearing the heartbeat for the first time takes my breath away and brings on the tears! Congrats to both you and Jeannie - how fun!
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you came over to hear the heartbeat -- I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND how scary it is when you can't find the beat at first, and how incredibly reassuring that little galloping noise can be. The best sound in the world, at least while pregnant. Our door is always open to you-- big hugs, to you, nate, and all 3 mangan kiddos.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy to hear you are loving your MW. I found the experience to be fantastic as well. I wish all mamas had similar care (regardless of how they chose to birth).
ReplyDeleteAnd I was so relieved to hear about numero tres's happy heart beat. I know how that tiny sound can easy your anxiety like nobody's business.