Flirting with Two

In a week, my Luke will be two. I don't know how I feel about it......on one hand I am nostalgic for the baby that he was, but on the other I truly love this funny little talking person that he suddenly is. I'm amazed at the new things that he seems to come up with every day. This week Nate and I were sitting at a red light, when we hear from the backseat, un... doo... tree... fow.... five.... sex....seben!. We turned around in disbelief to see our kid counting his fingers. Who knew? I still have no idea how he learned all of the letters of the alphabet. They are just like little sponges, absorbing all that is going on around them at insane rates. It's a bit frightening and I sometimes sit around wondering which bad thing I say will come out of his mouth one day soon. I have gotten better at spelling words that I don't want to hear him say. Better....but not great.

Luke, if you read this someday, at almost two you are a kind kid. You are always kissing and loving on your sister, and really on everyone. Every time I hand you something to eat you ask for one for Jules and bring it to her (but only 1......you say "Luke two Jules one", take your two pretzels and run to her with hers). You love to read books, you love to play with your flashcards, you love to paint. You will do puzzles for hours on end, taking out every piece, lining them up in a row, and then one by one putting them back in. You will take a pen and a piece of paper and lay on the floor "writing" (you proudly bring your little carefully scrawled "letters" over to me, and when I ask you what they say you answer "Luke!" every single time). You love to draw circles and triangles, then count them. You love to pile each and every toy in your playroom into one giant mound, while you scream "mo toys!" like a little madman. You laugh so hard you forget to breath when you get tickled...and then you beg for more. You honestly just love to laugh. You make "forts" out of all of the couch cushions at least 4 times a day. You use the potty every morning and every evening, and I think that if I was interested in doing so, you could potty train very quickly. The pic above is you offering your Dad a bite of birthday cake before you even took one. You then turned and gave Julia a bite. Finally, you gave yourself one. I love you, and still cannot believe what a great kid you are.

In the spirit of full disclosure, you can also be so annoying at times that I want to gnaw off my own hand. Your budding independence can make me insane ("Luke do it!") when I am trying to get out the door quickly and you insist on putting on your own coat. Sometimes when I call you you look at me....but don't come. Then I use my "do it right now" voice, and you start to take itty bitty teensy weensy little steps towards me. IT MAKES ME CRAZY! When you whine my eyeballs jitter, I swear. When you talk all day about your big guy bed and how you are going to "Stay Bed!" and then promptly jump right out of bed and run downstairs excitedly yelling "Night Night!!!" while pointing back up the steps it's maddening.

I get scared lately. Babies are so easy to me. I always felt as though just loving a baby was enough, you know? They nursed, they slept, they rolled around a bit. You keep them clean, and warm, and provide a simple, safe, environment and all would be okay. I never had to worry about creating bad habits, or discipline, or my own frustration. I could just love them, and know that that was pretty much all that they needed. Kids? Totally different story.

I have days like yesterday, where every.single.thing feels overwhelming. Luke wants to play with his puzzles, Julia wants to play with Luke, Luke gets frustrated, tries to take his puzzles to the other side of the table while saying "No No Jules" but she doggedly (and quickly!) follows him everywhere he goes. He gets frustrated. I have to hold her, which gets her frustrated.....then I get frustrated. I won't even get started on the laundry, floors, and never ending cycle of make a mess - clean a mess - make a mess that is my day. It hit me yesterday that I clean the booster and highchair 8-10 times EVERY SINGLE DAY. Between making food and cleaning up food and trying to keep my house relatively presentable and my kids in clean clothing I feel like I don't have enough hours in my day. I had a moment yesterday where I caught myself daydreaming about my old office. About going to the bathroom by myself. About going out to lunch unencumbered by two highchairs, bibs, wipes, plastic place mats, and picking up food off of some nasty restaurant floor. Not to mention that bi-weekly reward called a paycheck! Don't get me wrong, I would not trade my kids, or my life as a stay at home Mom for anything in the world, and I love it all so much that to even mention the above feels ungrateful......but WOW is it a challenge to keep my cool some days. Some days I fail. Yesterday was one. I try try try not to be a yeller. I find it so annoying and stressful to be around someone who is constantly yelling at their children, and I think that its ultimately an ineffective parenting technique. All that is great, and it's good to have goals....but sometimes I fail. Yesterday I yelled at Luke, twice. And it made me sick.

I took the kids to the gym to get a break, after that. I sat in the cafe, caught up on email and thank you cards, and took some deep breaths. My sister came in and saw me, asked my where my gloves were for our boxing class, and I burst into tears. The mom guilt is overwhelming at times. I look at these sweet little souls that somehow I have been entrusted with, and I don't know that I am worthy. I want to be all that they deserve, and I fear, all the time, that I can't be. I fear that my impatience, or my frustration, or my anything and everything is going to mess them up. I fear letting them down, or ruining them somehow. I want to believe that my best is going to be enough, and most days it totally feels as though it is and as though these kids are getting all that they deserve and need from us........but some days it doesn't.

After the gym we came home. As I was getting Luke out of his car seat he threw his arms around my neck with total abandon, and started laughing hysterically. It again brought tears to my eyes. He started kissing my face and tickling my neck, and within a moment we were standing there in the garage having an impromptu laugh and tickle fest. It just took my heavy heart away in a moment. It was like a benediction. Thanks buddy. As much as you are learning from me, I am learning from you, every single day.

(Speaking of frustration, I am beyond frustrated that my paragraphs and indentation will not work. I just don't get it. Sorry. I'm baffled.)