I had one of "those dreams" overnight. I awoke at 4:10 am sweating and trembling with my heart pounding and literal waves of nausea washing over me. In my dream, something that I dare not go into happened to Luke. Like most of them, it all happened in slow motion, and it was much too vivid. I don't have them frequently, but when I do, it usually leaves me rather shaken and emotional for days. I'm guessing all mothers have these? Anyone? The above picture is of me pregnant with Luke, blissfully unaware of the double edged sword that the love that you have for your child actually is.My absolute definite for-sure most hated part of motherhood is the fact that my heart is no longer housed within my body. My heart walks or crawls around within the little growing bodies of the two creatures that I call my children. I admit to hating that. I hate the fact that I love my children so much that I am not only vulnerable, but fall-on-my-face-praying-to-God aware of the fact that I.Am. Not. In. Control. every single day. I used to love and crave the illusion of control. I needed it, and went to rather extreme measures to get it. Since having my children I am uncomfortably and permanently perched on the precipice of parenthood ~ the exposed and vulnerable and painful place of loving someone so much that when you really think about something terrible happening to them, you lose your breath. I can't dwell in that place. I can't. But, dreams like those serve a purpose, I suppose. Are they from God? Reminding me of how grateful I should be? Are they simple evolutionary tools to remind us to be careful? To pay attention? Are they rooted in evil, trying to make me afraid?
Whatever they are, and whatever purpose they serve, they scare me. They hurt me. They remind me with startling clarity just how tenuous this whole game is. I wake up every morning with the assumption that nothing bad will happen today. I pray that nothing bad will happen today. And when I end my day, in my exhausted daze, I all too frequently forget to be grateful that nothing bad happened today.
Today I read Luke extra books. I nuzzled Julia's big fat cheeks more. Today, at the end of the day, I am fall-on-my-face grateful that we are all happy and healthy and tucked safely in our beds, with nary a scratch.
Snuggle your kids harder.
(and to all of my friends who called or came by or posted after my last blog entry~ thank you. I need your friendship and I treasure it!)
my play group calls those the dreams "the dark place", and i admit i go there far too often. (while awake and asleep)thhey are a part of why i never fathomed how difficult motherhood would be!
ReplyDeletegood reminders
:)
jen
I always dream of fires. They terrify me. Thank y ou for putting it into words.
ReplyDeleteErin
I have those dreams too. They're awful, but they do remind you to take some extra cuddles.
ReplyDeleteMy dreams are worst when hubs is away. It's not so bad when I wake up and see him there.
Hope this week is flying by for you.
Dreams are the opposite of reality. I would add my normal Dee humor but do not want to make light of your very real fears. Just hang in there...Nate will be home soon and the anxiety that you are having this week will fade.
ReplyDeleteUgh, horrible dreams affect us way too much when we're awake! Learning gratitude as the lesson is huge though, and, I have to say, you are often good and recognizing to stop and be grateful for what you have. Your blog is filled with thanksgiving for your great marriage, children, family, and friends. That is a lesson to us all. We are blessed, you are blessed, now hug those adorable kids! JHB
ReplyDeleteThose dreams are awful, especially how they linger and haunt you long after you wake.
ReplyDeleteI hate those dreams!
ReplyDelete